The Basin of Love

In the beautiful heart space I occupy daily, my subconscious floats to uncharted waters to feel the depth of love in my heart. I drifted off to an alternate universal love last night that allowed my heart to soar and expand in new ways. I found myself escaping a less than ideal situation through a small opening in a gate where I took off on an adventure with a lover. As we held hands and ran from our past situation (heartbreak represented here), we embarked on a journey together where neither knew the destination.

We discovered a small, lush green valley along our route that held a pristine basin of water in its lowest point. We were left rather tattered and dirty from the trip (as most relationships do on the uprise), so we took a dip in the water, hands still entwined. We she'd our clothes to wash them in the water; as he undressed his musculature revealed and the suppleness of his skin glistened in the reflection of the basin. He moved toward me and placed his hands on my face. He felt the line of my jaw, the peaks of my cheekbones and the curve of my lips. His large hands cupped my face and he felt the shape of my head. We sat in silence as he felt the exchange of energy this encounter brought. I was so entranced by his soul that I never realized he was blind. His hands moved down to my chest as he felt the quickening palpitations of my heart. He noticed the size of my heart grow with every excited beat. 

As more time passed, the communication between our hearts filled the silent air. When he finally spoke, it was the first time I heard words from his lips. I had felt his heart speak but now it was audible. He told me, "I wanted to feel the beauty of your face through your structure. I wanted to feel the softness of your lips before they touch mine. I wanted to feel your heart beat before it became one with mine. And I wanted you to feel seen even without sight. I choose to recognize the way you feel not the way you look. I choose to feel the way you light up my soul simply because you are light. And I choose to linger in the spaces of your heart, the ones I fall into between each beat."

In that moment, I had never felt more seen by a soul before. And although I have the gift of sight, I didn't need it to feel the expanse of his soul. His soul told me everything I needed to know through the transfer of energy. If I am energy and he is energy, then there is no sight involved aside from the one our heart uses by feeling. 

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched--they must be felt with the heart.

—Helen Keller 

He moved in closer to me, hands still on my heart. I moved my hand to his heart and could have cupped it in my hand for it was beating outside of his chest. I laid my head in place of my hand and listened to the sound of his heart beat, one profound thump after another. I could have stayed there for an eternity listening to the song in his heart, for it told me far more than the words in his mind could. That song told me everything I ever needed to know. 

I looked up into his eyes and although his gaze couldn't meet mine, he felt the beaming in them. His eyes were kind and innocent without the harsh pictures we have implanted in our minds. They were green with specks of hazel strewn about. He closed his eyes as I kissed each eye lid tenderly. I moved my lips toward his, my heated breath feeling it's way down his face. An electric shock made its way down my body as our lips embraced in a kiss.

His hands once again cupped my face as he passionately kissed my lips as if he were kissing my soul. Every ounce of energy rose in delight as our kiss lit up our bodies. There was penetration on a soul level where sex was not necessary. I moved my body closer to his as my arms wrapped tightly around his neck. Eyes closed and lips touching, I moved my hands around his skull and felt the ways in which he had blindly felt mine. 

I couldn't have felt the depth of his love if I weren't already a being of love. I couldn't have appreciated the ways he could see me if I wasn't already a being of love. And I couldn't have allowed my heart to be felt, if i wasn't already a being of love. 

When we are love, we recognize love and see no barriers to it. We can fall in love in one day. We can let our deepest, most vulnerable selves be seen and touched by another. And we can give up our search for love because we are love. And the love we are will undoubtedly attract that same love in another.

I promise you that sight will be secondary, because all you will care about is how your soul feels when you are with them. All you will know is how your heart leaps and skips a beat in their presence. And the messy road that got you here will fade into the dust of your half-lived life. Your heart will glide off into the sunset, no longer worried about the destination, but entranced only by the journey.

Life Outside the Pages

books-of-2015-edited

10.26.15

This stack represents all of the books that have guided me along my journey of recent past; one served as my Bible, many served as inspiration, and while I didn’t finish some, they spoke to me as much as I was ready to be spoken to.

I offer this list of chosen titles in hopes that they provide the same light out of darkness in your life. I pray the words soften your weary heart. Although many of these books changed my life, at a certain point, I had to leave the comfort these pages offered and find my own sense of solace. It was time to face my life, the life that these books helped give so much meaning to.

My temptation was to hide from life between these pages. I wanted to keep reading, to keep learning, and to keep discovering; yet I knew until I learned the lessons that these books offered me, reading would begin to be a great disservice. What I learned in the pages of my own life is we must relive our lessons multiple times (even if they seem to already resonate in our hearts). So, I set down my security blanket and put my heart back on the line.

I began to experience the very feelings I try to avoid through knowledge gathering or my busy schedule or with food. A soulmate returned to my life (much like Broken Open foreshadowed months prior). This blessing of a human reopened the wounds that I so carefully kept shut—wounds I was afraid to shed light on, afraid of how facing them might feel.

Not only did I begin to feel the depth of longing, despair, grief and sadness that buried itself in the walls of my heart, but I was able to feel what possibilities lingered in soul-level connection, passion and desire. When the light of day was revealed after the passion of night subsided, I was left raw, open and wounded; I was ready to do the healing I was once afraid to tackle.

When I realized I still had many lessons to learn, the discovery hit me like an unexpected wave. I wanted to crawl back inside the safe walls of comfort with this person instead of face the loneliness and depths of my broken heart.

The blessings of opening my heart to new experiences (albeit with a familiar soul) were many, but the most poignant lesson was certainly to love myself first: love myself enough to heal my shattered heart and pick up all the pieces from my failed relationship and the pieces from my latest love affair.

I turned back to the pages, but this time I was writing the story and the subject was me. I often turned to the pages of my favorite books to glean inspirational quotes from and to tie my experiences back to what I read. The revelations that followed allowed me to put the pieces together one by one. Each ah-ha moment lead to the next ah-ha moment.

I stumbled repeatedly while living my story out in real time, but I always returned to pen and paper. It’s where I created the glue for my life. It’s where I reset my intentions and reflected on failed attempts and lessons yet to be learned.

When I was tempted to pick up where I left off in a book or pick up a new book, I stopped and deciphered if this book would serve as an enlightenment or a distraction. At this point in my life, I was still learning to act valiantly and courageously on that which I had already learned. I vowed to set my booklists aside only to revert to inspirational quotes and passages when I needed a loving reminder to live out what I read (whether it be from someone else’s book or my own journal pages).

Sometimes it helps to not only know where you’re going but to know where you’ve been. Take this opportunity to pat yourself on the back with a job well done, to recognize how far you’ve come, and to know you’re doing the best you can in that moment.

While the pages of my book are still being played out (and will always be playing out), I am nearing the final chapter of my current journey—one that will hopefully see the shelves of a bookstore one day. If my story can one day provide the words of wisdom that serve as inspiration to a lost or grieving soul, then I will have given more purpose to my story than I could ever dream of.

Until that day comes, I am still living many lessons and putting certain lessons to work. The universe has continuously tested me, and I feel I am ready to begin the final test of this journey of self love—the journey of my patchwork heart. And one day, when I feel i can wholeheartedly resume reading, I will begin to mindfully pick up whatever book speaks to me most at the time.

What I know for sure: there is no shame in putting a book down if your heart is not ready to consume the message. I have set books aside for years, only to pick them up again with an astonishing smack in the face. It is then that I know I am open to the gift revealed in each page. I have also reread books that spoke to me on an entirely new level based on where I am in my journey of self-discovery. That’s the beauty of books, knowledge and lessons—they will always be waiting for the moment you are ready.

My booklist is ever-growing and that will never change. But what has evolved is my self-awareness to live more than read and to experience more than write. I urge you to keep on living that beautifully scarred life you were given.

Books pictured (and un-pictured):

1. Best Thing Ever by Sky Blossoms
2. The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown
3. Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth
4. The Courage to be Yourself by Sue Patton Thoele
5. The Spiritual Dimension of the Enneagram by Sandra Maitri
6. Cast in God’s Image: Discover Your Personality Type Using the Enneagram and Kabbalah by Rabbi Howard A. Addison
7. Peace Is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh
8. There’s a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem by Wayne W. Dyer
9. Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser (my personal bible after heartbreak)
10. Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert (everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, should read this book)
11. Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss, PH. D.

Update: This post was written in October 2015. As 2016 approaches, stay tuned for my new booklist as I step into living my new, spiritually-charged life journey.

And the Time Came

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

—Anaïs Nin

This is my favorite quote in the entire world which is a bold statement because I collect quotes by the bucketload.

Anaïs Nin’s words spoke to me deeply at the beginning of this year. Now that 2015 is coming to an end, I’ve blossomed in unexpected yet beautiful ways. But to say that this is the end of my journey to self discovery is far from the case.

In my mind, life is truly beginning because I have learned to embrace all of life and live wholeheartedly. It is as if the fearful weight I carried around kept me from really seeing the beauty in everything the world has to offer.

I love unconditionally, laugh uncontrollably and feel negative and positive emotions without hesitation. I believe life is meant to be lived with an open heart and all that comes with this state of being.

Being in touch with my true self has allowed me to see the potential of all that is possible. 2016 will be an experiment in manifesting the intuitions that 2015 unleashed. I will be sharing my experience on my blog in hopes of inspiring you to blossom.

The Truth Within

My recent awakening has led me to return to the essence that was within me all along. Today I had a stream of consciousness in writing and God asked me, What do Buddha, Moses and Jesus (to name a few) all have in common? He answered, "I have sent them all divine consciousness in order to heal the world." I just finished listening to the preview of Dr. Jean Houston’s The Keys to Unlocking Your Quantum Power. Her program is very much in alignment with what I am already doing, yet it goes one step further to completely shed old ways of inhabiting and relating and thinking to step into the feeling of limitlessness—an effect I have started to experience. I was about to go to yoga class when my intuition whispered, "do not go. Slow down and relax." And in that moment, I felt compelled to check my email, which led me to Dr. Houston's seminar (which had fallen off my radar).

The timing was perfect (as is everything that is meant to be), so I sat down to listen to this magnificent woman talk about everything I need to learn in order to step into this next phase of my life with complete faith. Yet another intuitive whisper told me to reach out to my Reiki master, Hope, via email; this email search didn’t lead me to her email thread. Instead, it led me to answers of the deep questions I’ve been searching for.

The term Christ Consciousness has entered my mind recently, and with Christmas around the corner, Jesus has been on my mind relentlessly, forcing me to explore my feelings on this rather controversial figure. What appeared in my search was my dear friend Forest’s follow-up email after our 5-hour discussion on universal and spiritual principles (thank you, Forest). I was reminded of a teaching he shared with me on spiritual truth that cleared up any religious ambiguity in my mind:

The finger pointing to the moon is not the moon.

-Buddhist saying

I pondered the meaning behind this principle. No one religion is the only truth, so someone pointing at their religion as “the way” cannot claim any concrete truth, because there is no one way to God (the moon). Once you open up to the possibilities of what lingers beyond your religious beliefs and explore what lies beyond what you were taught to be true, your understanding becomes one of infinite possibility. The only truth is the one that inhabits your own soul.

“There is only one absolute Truth, and all other truths emanate from it. When you find that Truth, your actions will be in alignment with it. Human action can reflect that Truth, or it can reflect illusion. Can the Truth be put into words? Yes, but the words are of course, not it. They only point to it. The Truth is inseparable from who you are. Yes, you ARE the Truth. If you look for it elsewhere, you will be deceived every time. The very Being that you are is Truth. Jesus tried to convey that when he said, “I am the way and the truth and the life.” These words uttered by Jesus are one of the most powerful and direct pointers to the Truth, if understood correctly. If misinterpreted, however, they become a great obstacle.”

“Jesus speaks of the innermost I Am, the essence of identity of every man and woman, every life-form in fact. He speaks of the life that you are. Some Christian mystics have called it the Christ within; Buddhists call it your Buddha nature; for Hindus, it is Atman, the in-dwelling God. When you are in touch with that dimension of yourself — and being in touch with it is your natural state, not some miraculous achievement — all your actions and relationships will reflect the oneness with all life that you sense deep within. This is love. Laws, commandments, rules and regulations are necessary for those who are cut off from who they are, the Truth within. They prevent the worse excesses of the ego, and often they don’t even do that.”

“Love and do what you will,” said St. Augustine. Words cannot get much closer to the truth than that.”

-Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth

What I needed to do all along was return to who I am, not who anyone else wanted me to be. I remember this feeling, the feeling of absolute, unwavering faith. The person I am when I surrender is beautiful — it’s who I am deep down, who I have always been. In this place where love dwells, I feel infinite and all is well. I breathe in Light in everything I do and exhale gratitude and love for myself, for God, for others and for the precious life we are given in each breath.

It is no coincidence that Christmas is around the corner. This holiday evokes so much passion and love inside me, and I am called back to that place where all is well in my heart. I do not have to suppress any part of me; I can simply let every bit of that love out into the vastness of the Universe (and clearly, it’s being returned to me). Now that I am so open to the world beyond my Catholic background, and I have studied Judaism and Buddhism and Hinduism, I can come to this place of knowing, the place that I couldn’t arrive at until I looked outside myself, outside my upbringing and outside my own Ego (and it’s need to be right and have one religious truth to grasp).

As I have let God and His love work it’s way through my whole being, I have felt no need to have one, solitary truth outside of the one in my own heart. No doctrine can trump what I feel in my heart; my spiritual connection is infinite and doctrine is worldly with limitations, rules and ideas of how one should inhabit the earth.

When I found the article on absolute truth, I had a revelation that revealed the truth I have searched for my entire life — that there is no one way to God. I truly am a seeker of light and wisdom and wherever I find that sense of awakening and consciousness is just fine. All I needed to understand is that the answers lie within my heart; I am on my own journey to enlightenment, via whichever path I take.

I will always go back to my Grandpa’s piece of wisdom, his truth-bomb, his quip: God cannot be so concerned about your religious affiliation as He is about your faith. Thank you, Grandpa.

I am truly inspired by the divine miracle of Christmas, a time when I feel most alive in this world. This Christmas is my homecoming; for years I wasn’t able to fully embody this miracle in my own expression. I suppressed how I felt and questioned the magic that has always lingered in my heart and is always brought to the forefront this time of year. I couldn’t help but cry on Christmas eve, two years in a row, for this very reason.

I knew this Christmas would be a pivotal step in my journey, as it arrives on the cusp of my transformation, when I awake to the truth in my heart and live the life I was always meant to live. The way Eckhart Tolle describes Christmas hit me in the center of my heart:

“The true meaning of Christmas is that the very Being that you are is the Truth. This is what Jesus meant when he said, “I am the way and the truth and the life.”

-Eckhart Tolle

When put this way, Christmas is the miracle of who I am at the core; it is creating an awakening of my spirit. It is the birth of this new phase in my life, a phase that allows me to live with the expansiveness I feel in my heart and the potential I feel is possible with deep faith.

This year is wrapping up in the most beautiful of ways. The facade of the woman I was unraveling into the past few years has been shed and I have been lifted into a new phase—one where I can confidently say everything happened for a reason. God simply needed to bring me back to myself, by showing me the divine love in my own heart.