Just Do You

If you do you and keep your basket full, you are bound to upset some people who want your time and attention. Do you want to give them your half-assed, spread-too-thin self or be sure you’re taking care of yourself first? Because the latter will allow you to show up with a healthier, more loving perspective and attitude. I promise you will upset, piss off or annoy certain people either way; you might as well take the time to make yourself happy first.

You may even inspire those less-than-pleased people to fill up their cup, too. If we all had fuller baskets, don’t you think we’d react with more patience, kindness, and understanding?

Wouldn’t we notice less what other people aren’t doing because we are too busy making sure we show up with our best self?

Some people will call you selfish, but you’ll know deep down they mean selfless. Every kind and genuine person on this Earth does a great amount of work to remain loving and caring.

Self-righteous, angry, mean-spirited behavior is the easy way out. It takes zero effort to be an asshole (if you’re already an asshole). And if something’s got you down-low, attempt to understand why you are acting that way by treating yourself with kindness and compassion first.

The world needs more kind people but you need to show up for numero uno. So, slow down before you show up. I find the quietest time is when I stir up more ways to be kind. It is also in those moments that I see why I haven’t been my best, kindest self—it is almost always because I am not doing enough for myself to maintain my full basket.

Doing too many deeds for others is a wonderful ambition, but it helps no one if you are depleting yourself to do it.

Choose to fill up your cup first, dammit.

What do you need to feel like your best self on a daily basis?

Forget Tinder—I’m Dating Myself

I am a wonderful, kind, deep, purposeful, whole, multi-dimensional individual. And I recently made a mindful choice not to beat around the dating bush. The woman I have evolved into only wants to date someone who touches my soul. Until I find someone who is worth my precious time, I wholeheartedly choose to date myself. You see, I am a bonafide Libra; I live for love, literally, and this typecast has enticed me to spend a lot of energy on finding my soul mate, match, twin flame or whatever name you want to call the person who sets your soul on fire.

All of this searching, dating, serial monogamy and disastrous endings have me right where I started—alone. Trust me when I say the Universe and I are simpatico (we’re buddies). I have written “the list,” said my prayers, envisioned the ideal person and taken the faith-oriented steps to meet the person I thought would make life complete.

I have done the long-term relationships. I have been engaged. I learned about myself through others, and I have spent oodles of hours on self-work, self-love and self-care.

I learned you need to love yourself first (after falling into the codependency trap). I learned you must be the partner you seek, rather than simply keeping a laundry list of your ideal partner’s attributes, virtues and values in your back pocket. I learned like attracts like, and you’ll invite exactly what your vibe attracts into your life. I learned every relationship is a mirror, shining your lessons, shortcomings and darkness onto you.

I am working toward my highest vibration, my best self that will match and align with the kind of person who meets me on a new plane of love. I have dreamt of that love, written of that love and removed the self-imposed barriers to that love. I have experienced flickers of that love only to find the light burn out.

So, I am left not with desperation but eagerness to meet the one I will undoubtedly attract by my virtuous intentions. I have received signs and confirmations from the Universe that I will one day reach that love. But switch on my recovering-perfectionist, Libra-self who craves certainty and control, I am wondering where, how and when I will meet my soul mate with enough anticipation to make my stomach do jumping jacks.

Skip over to my Sagittarius heart, the one I’ve grown to love after a year-long exploration to repair and restore the weariness that is endured after multiple, broken hearts and potential love lost. The heart that never felt whole and sought completion in the shape of a romantic partnership. This now whole heart is as vibrant as she’s ever been, and for the first time ever, I am in love with myself—fully, endlessly, undeniably in love.

My once desperate, lonely self is recognizing the absolute gift of my own company and time spent doing the activities that bring me lasting joy.

I have always loved my own company, be it burying myself in books, hiking, cycling, taking on new art projects or volunteering. I have found, at the heart of it, I am actually a wild, independent spirit.

But at the end of those days filled to the brim, I never felt enough love in own heart because I never knew how to really love myself. I found my activities brought me happiness in the moment, but were ultimately distractions and a way to pass time until I met someone. And that less-than-whole heart was attracting (you guessed it) less than whole partners.

If you don’t love yourself, you’ll always be chasing after people who don’t love you either.

—Mandy Hale

Hop and skip to the present day where I have found a sense of peace in my single hood; at the end of my days I am simply grateful for what I do have and who is in my life. I focus on what my life is instead of what it isn’t. I believe unless you are grateful for what is, you will not open up the Universal flow to what can be with a grateful heart.

And really, once you stop searching for the “seemingly perfect” person, you will be hit with a wave of new energy that was formerly comprised by too much time on Tinder or Match. You’ll quit dreaming about how much better life will be as a Mr. or Mrs. while trying to be the person you think will be a perfect match for your latest crush.

You will be free to be your authentic self (or to determine who that really is). You will practice self care with long bubble baths or sunset walks, partake in your passions or embark on a curious flight to find your passions. You will fall in love with love and yourself all over again (or maybe for the first time).

The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you YOU love, well, that’s just fabulous.

—Sarah Jessica Parker, Sex and the City

And one day, when you least expect it, when you are living a life that is enough for total and lasting happiness, that is when you’ll be graced by a heart who may just choose to walk this life with you, as long as you choose them, too.

But, please do yourself a huge favor, and learn to be in your best relationship yet—one with the fabulous, one-of-a-kind you.

Choose to be happy.

Choose to love yourself.

Choose to be the partner you seek—one that is kind, compassionate and purpose-driven.

Choose to accept what is right now and understand it is enough. You are enough.

Choose to find joy in the ordinary, everyday or unexpected occurrences.

Choose to create a life you love, not because you want someone else to love you, but because you love you.

Choose to make life a meandering journey while taking these steps on your own.

Choose to never compare yourself to anyone else’s idea of happiness or success.

Choose to never compromise your authentic self to please another or gain acceptance.

Choose to believe there is a soul who will see the depths of your heart and love every piece of you, light and dark.

Choose to drop the media’s perception of what your fairy tale should look like and boldly create your own masterpiece free of prejudice or judgement.

Choose to let go of your search in favor of faith in the Universe’s law of attraction.

I leave you with these words to stir up excitement and contemplation in your heart:

For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

―Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Screenplay

Courage to Be Myself

One doesn’t often dig into the meaning of a word, the essence behind it, or the root of the word itself. Brené Brown does this like a champ in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection. One word’s meaning stuck out to me more than others, a word that defines my journey to an open heart: courage. The root of the word courage is in fact heart (cor). Brené defines courage as the ability to speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart. This might have been the single most vulnerable action in my journey as it was what I most struggled with in my downfall.

My heart was shrunken and shriveled, unable to reveal the truth it held deep in its shadowy depth. I needed courage like I needed air. It was every bit as vital as the breath I took to survive. Yet, when I reached down to sit with my heart and the truth it carried, I was frozen with fear.

Instead of courageously speaking my mind by revealing the truth in my heart, I gave into fear and stayed silent. The repercussions, it turns out, for stifling your essence and what you know in your heart to be true, is steep and as sharp as lies.

Although I attempted to be honest with myself, I shivered at the thought of allowing anyone else to hear the truth. Courage requires vulnerability (another of Brene’s choice words), a powerful act that most people deny themselves of. Allowing myself to be deeply seen and known by revealing my deepest fears and desires was my key to my open heart.

I understood that by owning my truth and setting it free, my life would certainly be flipped upside down, unrecognizable even to me. I had nothing left to lose, because had I not chosen courage and stepped out to forge my own path, I would have become a lifeless extension of someone else’s dream.

When the next step seemed crippling and petrifying, I found that choosing someone I trust to remain accountable with was critical to moving forward. My sister, also known as my “courage companion,” helped lure the buried pieces of my shattered heart by offering me a safe place to unleash the ticking time bomb in my mind.

Those shards reflected what I needed desperately to be heard. I unconsciously let out a statement that I had held captive for far too long. I began to feel empowered and realized through this process how badly I needed to release the grip I held onto the status quo.

It takes an enormous amount of surrender. It takes letting go of the life you held together like pieces that never seemed to fit quite right. It takes letting go of the life you live so you can live the life you imagine.

Allowing my most vulnerable self to be seen was my ticket to begin a new journey, one soaked in authenticity and soul. Had I not chosen courage and slipped further into a half-lived life, I could not have received the imminent blessings awaiting. I couldn’t have opened my heart to reveal the shining light of my soul. I owe everything to courage.

What stands on the other side of your truth is a multitude of freedom in your heart, soul and body. Whatever it takes to cross over is undeniably worth it. Whatever pain, life changes, paralysis, confusion and darkness will eventually be set on fire with the light of living authentically in your own truth.

Before we can let the light in, we have to let go of the darkness.

Soulful Collisions

Anyone can walk onto your path at any moment. Your job is to decide how long they walk alongside you. We learn by doing and so allow them to prove their worth. Allow them to show their love.

At some point along the way you will either see the light they wake up inside you or they will dim your flame.

Soulmates come and go, each helping us get to the place where we come to stand on our own. That place of wholeness in our heart that was there all along.

Sometimes we can’t see what’s inside our own soul. We simply don’t believe what lingers until our soulmate shines a mirror to reflect the greatness within or the shadows buried beneath.

Never resent or take for granted the beautiful soul before you. Breathe in their grace and the lessons they bring you. And one day when your paths are ready to break, thank them with gratitude for the place you have arrived where knowingness and deep love resonate.

Take your shattered pieces that seem to have fallen and walk away toward the one true path where no one can enter if you do not choose.

Guard your precious heart with the wisdom of clarity for there will be a day when someone comes to stay. Where home feels familiar in the place they carry you.

Your path will keep steady, your journey entwined. They will see your broken pieces and love you all the same. Hold true to the one who lifts your wild heart and fills it with pure joy.

Keep the one who elevates your chosen path of dreams. And hold tight to their embrace. Their love will shake you to the core and awaken your soul.