Forget Tinder—I’m Dating Myself

I am a wonderful, kind, deep, purposeful, whole, multi-dimensional individual. And I recently made a mindful choice not to beat around the dating bush. The woman I have evolved into only wants to date someone who touches my soul. Until I find someone who is worth my precious time, I wholeheartedly choose to date myself. You see, I am a bonafide Libra; I live for love, literally, and this typecast has enticed me to spend a lot of energy on finding my soul mate, match, twin flame or whatever name you want to call the person who sets your soul on fire.

All of this searching, dating, serial monogamy and disastrous endings have me right where I started—alone. Trust me when I say the Universe and I are simpatico (we’re buddies). I have written “the list,” said my prayers, envisioned the ideal person and taken the faith-oriented steps to meet the person I thought would make life complete.

I have done the long-term relationships. I have been engaged. I learned about myself through others, and I have spent oodles of hours on self-work, self-love and self-care.

I learned you need to love yourself first (after falling into the codependency trap). I learned you must be the partner you seek, rather than simply keeping a laundry list of your ideal partner’s attributes, virtues and values in your back pocket. I learned like attracts like, and you’ll invite exactly what your vibe attracts into your life. I learned every relationship is a mirror, shining your lessons, shortcomings and darkness onto you.

I am working toward my highest vibration, my best self that will match and align with the kind of person who meets me on a new plane of love. I have dreamt of that love, written of that love and removed the self-imposed barriers to that love. I have experienced flickers of that love only to find the light burn out.

So, I am left not with desperation but eagerness to meet the one I will undoubtedly attract by my virtuous intentions. I have received signs and confirmations from the Universe that I will one day reach that love. But switch on my recovering-perfectionist, Libra-self who craves certainty and control, I am wondering where, how and when I will meet my soul mate with enough anticipation to make my stomach do jumping jacks.

Skip over to my Sagittarius heart, the one I’ve grown to love after a year-long exploration to repair and restore the weariness that is endured after multiple, broken hearts and potential love lost. The heart that never felt whole and sought completion in the shape of a romantic partnership. This now whole heart is as vibrant as she’s ever been, and for the first time ever, I am in love with myself—fully, endlessly, undeniably in love.

My once desperate, lonely self is recognizing the absolute gift of my own company and time spent doing the activities that bring me lasting joy.

I have always loved my own company, be it burying myself in books, hiking, cycling, taking on new art projects or volunteering. I have found, at the heart of it, I am actually a wild, independent spirit.

But at the end of those days filled to the brim, I never felt enough love in own heart because I never knew how to really love myself. I found my activities brought me happiness in the moment, but were ultimately distractions and a way to pass time until I met someone. And that less-than-whole heart was attracting (you guessed it) less than whole partners.

If you don’t love yourself, you’ll always be chasing after people who don’t love you either.

—Mandy Hale

Hop and skip to the present day where I have found a sense of peace in my single hood; at the end of my days I am simply grateful for what I do have and who is in my life. I focus on what my life is instead of what it isn’t. I believe unless you are grateful for what is, you will not open up the Universal flow to what can be with a grateful heart.

And really, once you stop searching for the “seemingly perfect” person, you will be hit with a wave of new energy that was formerly comprised by too much time on Tinder or Match. You’ll quit dreaming about how much better life will be as a Mr. or Mrs. while trying to be the person you think will be a perfect match for your latest crush.

You will be free to be your authentic self (or to determine who that really is). You will practice self care with long bubble baths or sunset walks, partake in your passions or embark on a curious flight to find your passions. You will fall in love with love and yourself all over again (or maybe for the first time).

The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you YOU love, well, that’s just fabulous.

—Sarah Jessica Parker, Sex and the City

And one day, when you least expect it, when you are living a life that is enough for total and lasting happiness, that is when you’ll be graced by a heart who may just choose to walk this life with you, as long as you choose them, too.

But, please do yourself a huge favor, and learn to be in your best relationship yet—one with the fabulous, one-of-a-kind you.

Choose to be happy.

Choose to love yourself.

Choose to be the partner you seek—one that is kind, compassionate and purpose-driven.

Choose to accept what is right now and understand it is enough. You are enough.

Choose to find joy in the ordinary, everyday or unexpected occurrences.

Choose to create a life you love, not because you want someone else to love you, but because you love you.

Choose to make life a meandering journey while taking these steps on your own.

Choose to never compare yourself to anyone else’s idea of happiness or success.

Choose to never compromise your authentic self to please another or gain acceptance.

Choose to believe there is a soul who will see the depths of your heart and love every piece of you, light and dark.

Choose to drop the media’s perception of what your fairy tale should look like and boldly create your own masterpiece free of prejudice or judgement.

Choose to let go of your search in favor of faith in the Universe’s law of attraction.

I leave you with these words to stir up excitement and contemplation in your heart:

For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

―Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Screenplay

To Love With a Whole Heart

On my journey to repair my broken heart, I discovered that in feeling the depth of my pain, I actually feel more whole than ever before. And my whole heart is ready to love on a new plane, one that understands love as if I am love. That’s what I am when fear is stripped away. That’s why I am here. And so coming to this place of love, for myself and for everyone in my life (including those I felt betrayed by), I find myself wanting to go to that place where love thrives. I want to escape the mundane grind of everyday life and create one that is riddled with love: friendly love, sibling love, platonic love, romantic love and unconditional love.

As a society, we are wired to search for love—to complete a part of us that we feel is lacking by plucking an elusive partner (as if we truly know what’s best for us). You decide that this stranger will somehow make your life better by filling up some space inside your heart that feels incomplete.

And so as the law of attraction states, you will also attract someone who is looking for a partner to complete them. I’m not a math whiz by any means, but I know that two halves make a whole. The problem with this is: once you remove one half, you cannot be whole. You are very simply putting yourself in a vulnerable situation in which you rely on another person to feel whole. Not only is this absolutely dangerous for your wellbeing, but it is just as treacherous for the other half of your equation. The immense pressure you’ve just set each other up for is not only unhealthy, but unsustainable too.

I have been the co-dependent girl who searched for love outside myself to feel whole. I know the very empty place it leaves you in when someone cannot live up to the absolutely impossible job you’ve signed them up for. An even worse predicament arises when your other half needs to feel whole too. You gather what you can from your already depleted reserve, but you cannot give what you do not already possess.

So after two failed relationships in a row, I decided to get wiser. My whole world simply cannot crumble if my partner doesn’t take so much of it with them. I knew if I were to succeed in love, I had to look inward. I could spend my life in denial and blame others for my heartbreak or I could get busy uncovering the void in my heart that attributed to my relationship demise.

I would choose to love myself first. I would feel the immense pain in my heart and I would use that as fuel for my self discovery. If we search for love to fill a void in our own lives, we most certainly don’t love ourselves fully and we cannot embrace (or find) the love that lingers in our own heart.

I decided to create a sense of wholeness, one that would render me independent, self sufficient and wildly in love with my life and myself. Rumi reminds me time and time again that “Your task is not to seek love but to find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

Self love or lack thereof was my biggest hurdle. I couldn’t find the place of peace in my own heart that would sustain me. I wouldn’t accept my own life circumstances and feel gratitude for what I do have. So I went to find peace outside myself and that always managed to be from relationships. Placing myself in their life always seemed better than what I was dealing with. But after living a life that didn’t feel authentic, attempting to love with less than a whole heart while lifting them up inside, and feeling lost at the end, I knew I had it all wrong. And two wrong, less than whole people don’t make a right (and never will).

Fast forward one year of being single and learning to love myself and others unconditionally. And let me tell you a secret. You do not need to be in a relationship to do this. I would actually urge you not to be in a relationship at this time. You will most certainly attract the same kind of less than whole people while in this phase of your progression. And unless you feel strongly that the universe has delivered this person to you in order to hammer the lesson into your brain further (and you might very well need another dose of reality), do not invest your time in a relationship right now.

Love yourself during this time. Look into the shadows of your soul to find why you have a less than loving perspective of yourself. Friends and family are a beautiful blessing to your during this time. They are also a reflection of the love you are radiating currently and will reflect any less than loving feelings that may arise. If we cannot love our close friends or family unconditionally, then odds are we won’t be able to love anyone else to that degree either.

Go back to the drawing board every time your inclination is to judge or show any behavior that is less than loving toward yourself or your loved ones. It is here that you can learn to reconstruct your programmed mind that keeps you safe from perceived dangers, protects your heart and tells you what is right or wrong in any case. You can only place right or wrong on your own journey based on how loving you feel in that moment. We cannot place any semblance of right or wrong on others; they’re fighting their own inner battle, so you must continue to show up with love.

Ego will fight against this loving sentiment and place fear where love should be (especially if someone is showing you less than loving intentions). Know that it isn’t personal; showing someone less than love by reacting negatively only hurts you.

When you are love, you recognize love and see no barriers to it. You can fall in love in one day. You can let your deepest, most vulnerable self be seen and touched by another. And you can give up your search for love, because you are love. And the love you are will undoubtedly attract that same love in another.

If you are whole and you are love, then your partner will be whole and will be love. Together two whole hearts will create a love that illuminates every part of your world. You will grow and be tested in unforeseen ways. You will feel like your best self where your soul continues to shine. You won’t need or require the love of another, yet you’ll be lucky enough to have it when you lose sight of the love in your own heart. They will see your resilient spirit. And they will never let you forget where you’ve been or where you’re going with an open and loving heart.

Together, the unity and vision you create will set you on a journey where you alone may not reach. You will give the ultimate gift of unconditional love and finally surrender to receive this gift in return. You will never take for granted the way this one makes you feel. And it will be your pleasure to remind them every day of the pristine heart they truly are.

Adam Phillips on Love

All love stories are frustration stories… To fall in love is to be reminded of a frustration that you didn’t know you had (of one’s formative frustrations, and of one’s attempted self-cures for them); you wanted someone, you felt deprived of something, and then it seems to be there. And what is renewed in that experience is an intensity of frustration, and an intensity of satisfaction. It is as if, oddly, you were waiting for someone but you didn’t know who they were until they arrived. Whether or not you were aware that there was something missing in your life, you will be when you meet the person you want. What psychoanalysis will add to this love story is that the person you fall in love with really is the man or woman of your dreams; that you have dreamed them up before you met them; not out of nothing — nothing comes of nothing — but out of prior experience, both real and wished for. You recognize them with such certainty because you already, in a certain sense, know them; and because you have quite literally been expecting them, you feel as though you have known them for ever, and yet, at the same time, they are quite foreign to you. They are familiar foreign bodies. —Adam Phillips

Discover more about Adam Phillips and his work: https://www.brainpickings.org/2015/10/05/adam-phillips-missing-out-frustration-love/