My feet have passed over the same “Protect Yo Heart” sidewalk graffiti three times: in LA, San Diego and New York City. It is always when I need a reminder to protect my heart. I was (and still tend to be) the girl that followed her heart blindly. I ignore red flags and race into a relationship before I get to know someone well enough or think about what I am doing intentionally. While I never regret following my heart, I do regret not listening to God down the line.
Our hearts can deceive us—while our emotions prevent us from rationally thinking scenarios through and honoring red flags. The need to be loved or a temptation to fill a void can skew our own choices/perception; the rush of dopamine to our brain when falling in love is intoxicating, leading us to ignore our better judgement as we return for more. The feeling of being “in love” is a powerful form of brain-washing, given our brain is filled with powerful, feel-good chemicals.
I’ve been deceived by this blind love many times on accord of my need to be loved and validated. I simply love love. I love to love and I love to be loved. The feeling of euphoria I get when in love is hard to ignore, no matter the consequences. Yet I learned why I needed this love so desperately that I was willing to look past God’s wisdom: I lacked self worth and failed to go to God for my source of love and worthiness. I hadn’t opened my heart to His all-consuming love, because I believed men were my supply. I turned to replacements to fill the void I felt and ended up edging God out of the equation. If it wasn’t relationships to fill the gaping void, it was food or shopping.
Following wisdom over addiction
I learned that my brain was actually addicted to the rush of chemicals I felt when beginning a new relationship. As with any addiction, we are blinded to the consequences of our actions and in denial over what is actually happening. During my recovery from love addiction, a scripture stuck out to me and tested my “follow your heart” mentality.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
When we’ve done the necessary work on ourselves and can look out for red flags, we ensure a relationship is in alignment with God’s will. When the heart is wounded and covered with hurt or our mind still holds false beliefs from childhood (or both), we can be falsely led to find wholeness, distraction and replacement in others. We may also be tempted to stay with people we’d otherwise let go of just so we can feel loved, avoid our internal work, gain a sense of worthiness or avoid being alone. Whatever the reason, continuing to let people into our hearts that have no business there is not only a recipe for incurring more hurt but it’s a form of self-betrayal.
God never intended for us to let everyone we meet into our hearts. He gives us wisdom and discernment so we can be intentional and prudent about who enters our very precious and vulnerable internal world. This is why it is imperative to do a gut-check, listen to our own intellect and dive into God’s Word in the early stages of dating and/or relationships. If the relationship is not God’s will for us, taking a step back will allow for this answer to come.
In between the moments of living on cloud nine, we are given the opportunity to think clearly and rationally as we discern God’s guidance on the situation. We can also bring our concerns to wise friends, family members or counselors to gauge whether we are missing something amidst our “in love” feelings and skewed perceptions.
“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”
When we are careful about who we let in and turn to God and other wise counsel, we can be sure that the precious heart we are given remains pure and protected from unnecessary hurt or toxicity. By redirecting our energy inward, we can receive the love we need from God—the Source that has likely been blocked by our own wounds. We also give ourselves more space to focus on our healing so God can guide us through uncovering our deepest hurts—the ones that have predisposed us to repeating unhealthy patterns in love.
Be kind to yourself
We tend to beat ourselves up over mistakes, especially when we repeat them numerous times. I am here to remind you that self-compassion is the best gift we can bestow upon ourselves. This is not the time for harsh self-criticism, shame or guilt. We need to go through the process of following our wounded hearts, repeating unhealthy patterns and listening to our own will before we can heed God’s wisdom and receive the healing we need. Once we incur enough heartache, we become willing to get the help we need, turn inward for our Source of love (God) and heal our unhealthy patterns of love addiction.
When we continuously let people in who have false intentions for us or cause intentional hurt, we keep walls up to prevent more hurt. This in turn blocks the love of God from pouring through us which stunts the healing process. Resentment and bitterness and anger grow in our hearts, further impeding upon the love of God from growing and flowing into and through our hearts. Protecting our hearts is simply good health and it allows us to continue loving and being a blessing to others.
You’re worth it
Let God finish His work in you, giving you a new, clean heart that freely flows with His love. You are worth having a complete and total heart transplant. Ezekiel 36:26 (NIV) says: “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” We owe it to ourselves to undo the damage of the past and set our sights on a healthier path forward, even if that means being alone so the healing is complete in us. God knows our heart, He sees our desires and He has a healthy relationship in store for us, but first we need to be set free from past wreckage in our hearts.
When the time comes to open your heart to a new relationship or you are questioning your current relationship, the bottom line is: know the intentions of others before letting them into your heart. If you have to question their intentions, chances are they aren’t someone you want to let into your precious, life-giving heart. Take your time to ensure you are heeding God’s will for you instead of your old patterns.
Even with a new heart, our mind and body will still look to satisfy our flesh. We can still be deceived as we strengthen our new patterns in love. We want to preserve the new heart we are given and save space for those that want to love us with God’s love flowing through them—those who will go to great lengths to treat our hearts as the precious gifts they are.
there is hope
The love I once desperately wanted to receive from others now comes from self-love and God; the love I used to want to give to others who couldn’t love me in return is now poured out onto God, myself, my friends, family and community. Love doesn’t end when we are not in a relationship; instead it gets redirected inwardly, to those we serve and to safe relationships.
When we discern who enters our hearts, we get to love and be loved without tarnished intentions getting in the way. We get to love as God loves us, without agenda, without needing anything in return, without condition.
If any of this sounds familiar to you, and you want to work toward ending the pattern of toxic love relationships, consider making this vow to yourself:
I vow to guard my heart as if my life depends on it, because it does.
Then focus on loving God, loving yourself and loving others in your inner circle and community. Allow the river of God’s love to flow so you can love as you intend to and show others the power of a clean heart.
If you are in a toxic relationship and want to get out but feel powerless to do so or you are afraid for your safety, there is help and support for you. You’re not alone and you don’t have to fight by yourself. Reach out for help and pray for God to give you the supernatural strength and power to safely take action:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) / www.ndvh.org
For non-violent situations and addiction recovery:
Celebrate Recovery:
Search celebraterecovery.com to find a group near you.