For the last week, Caterpillars kept showing up in or outside my apartment. This conspicuous sign arrived around the time I got the sense my soul required cocooning. My word of the year had seemingly sent my system into a shocking need for inner cultivation—especially after I fell backward into old habits for comfort and consolation to my painful grief and depression.
In the past, I have had words find me — in a serendipitous manner with a lace of intuition. This year was no exception as my favorite poet and artist, Morgan Harper Nichols, created an Instagram Reel of suggested words for the year. A screenshot determined my word this year, but I am certain it was meant for me (even if it were a millisecond between my word and another.)
I was clouded with so many fearful thoughts of the future, the what-ifs and I can’ts and worry-mixed-with-doubt. It was hard to gain clarity and even find out the truth in God’s sight: what is the best decision and next-right-thing? If only I could see through the fear, I pondered; what would that feel like? A sigh of relief, a breath of fresh air, and peace? Likely all of the above.
Discernment is a tool in our spiritual arsenal – one of the Holy Spirit gifts to us. It guides us to the will of God, which is to say the best possible outcome for us.
I recently found myself experiencing more “bad” days than “good ones,” a natural response given certain circumstances in my life. As a bonafide optimist, with a motto like “No bad days” lingering in my mind, I had to remind myself that those tough days are normal, expected even, especially given the seasons we might be swimming through.
As someone who battled suicidal thoughts, the only thing that compelled me to stay on the Earth at times was the thought of hurting my family by leaving. In those days, that thought (and the love behind it) saved my life. Since then, my faith, awareness and mindfulness grew exponentially; I could catch the suicidal thoughts as thoughts before I chased them down the rabbit hole and began looking at actions to end my life.
We keep trying to take the remote control back from God, from the natural order of the universe. We fluctuate between channels, changing from fear to love and back to fear again. We can’t possibly deal with the patience it takes to handle the channel of love, to sit with the unknown nature of living there, so we restlessly return to fear.
