Life Outside the Pages

books-of-2015-edited

10.26.15

This stack represents all of the books that have guided me along my journey of recent past; one served as my Bible, many served as inspiration, and while I didn’t finish some, they spoke to me as much as I was ready to be spoken to.

I offer this list of chosen titles in hopes that they provide the same light out of darkness in your life. I pray the words soften your weary heart. Although many of these books changed my life, at a certain point, I had to leave the comfort these pages offered and find my own sense of solace. It was time to face my life, the life that these books helped give so much meaning to.

My temptation was to hide from life between these pages. I wanted to keep reading, to keep learning, and to keep discovering; yet I knew until I learned the lessons that these books offered me, reading would begin to be a great disservice. What I learned in the pages of my own life is we must relive our lessons multiple times (even if they seem to already resonate in our hearts). So, I set down my security blanket and put my heart back on the line.

I began to experience the very feelings I try to avoid through knowledge gathering or my busy schedule or with food. A soulmate returned to my life (much like Broken Open foreshadowed months prior). This blessing of a human reopened the wounds that I so carefully kept shut—wounds I was afraid to shed light on, afraid of how facing them might feel.

Not only did I begin to feel the depth of longing, despair, grief and sadness that buried itself in the walls of my heart, but I was able to feel what possibilities lingered in soul-level connection, passion and desire. When the light of day was revealed after the passion of night subsided, I was left raw, open and wounded; I was ready to do the healing I was once afraid to tackle.

When I realized I still had many lessons to learn, the discovery hit me like an unexpected wave. I wanted to crawl back inside the safe walls of comfort with this person instead of face the loneliness and depths of my broken heart.

The blessings of opening my heart to new experiences (albeit with a familiar soul) were many, but the most poignant lesson was certainly to love myself first: love myself enough to heal my shattered heart and pick up all the pieces from my failed relationship and the pieces from my latest love affair.

I turned back to the pages, but this time I was writing the story and the subject was me. I often turned to the pages of my favorite books to glean inspirational quotes from and to tie my experiences back to what I read. The revelations that followed allowed me to put the pieces together one by one. Each ah-ha moment lead to the next ah-ha moment.

I stumbled repeatedly while living my story out in real time, but I always returned to pen and paper. It’s where I created the glue for my life. It’s where I reset my intentions and reflected on failed attempts and lessons yet to be learned.

When I was tempted to pick up where I left off in a book or pick up a new book, I stopped and deciphered if this book would serve as an enlightenment or a distraction. At this point in my life, I was still learning to act valiantly and courageously on that which I had already learned. I vowed to set my booklists aside only to revert to inspirational quotes and passages when I needed a loving reminder to live out what I read (whether it be from someone else’s book or my own journal pages).

Sometimes it helps to not only know where you’re going but to know where you’ve been. Take this opportunity to pat yourself on the back with a job well done, to recognize how far you’ve come, and to know you’re doing the best you can in that moment.

While the pages of my book are still being played out (and will always be playing out), I am nearing the final chapter of my current journey—one that will hopefully see the shelves of a bookstore one day. If my story can one day provide the words of wisdom that serve as inspiration to a lost or grieving soul, then I will have given more purpose to my story than I could ever dream of.

Until that day comes, I am still living many lessons and putting certain lessons to work. The universe has continuously tested me, and I feel I am ready to begin the final test of this journey of self love—the journey of my patchwork heart. And one day, when I feel i can wholeheartedly resume reading, I will begin to mindfully pick up whatever book speaks to me most at the time.

What I know for sure: there is no shame in putting a book down if your heart is not ready to consume the message. I have set books aside for years, only to pick them up again with an astonishing smack in the face. It is then that I know I am open to the gift revealed in each page. I have also reread books that spoke to me on an entirely new level based on where I am in my journey of self-discovery. That’s the beauty of books, knowledge and lessons—they will always be waiting for the moment you are ready.

My booklist is ever-growing and that will never change. But what has evolved is my self-awareness to live more than read and to experience more than write. I urge you to keep on living that beautifully scarred life you were given.

Books pictured (and un-pictured):

1. Best Thing Ever by Sky Blossoms
2. The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown
3. Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth
4. The Courage to be Yourself by Sue Patton Thoele
5. The Spiritual Dimension of the Enneagram by Sandra Maitri
6. Cast in God’s Image: Discover Your Personality Type Using the Enneagram and Kabbalah by Rabbi Howard A. Addison
7. Peace Is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh
8. There’s a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem by Wayne W. Dyer
9. Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser (my personal bible after heartbreak)
10. Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert (everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, should read this book)
11. Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss, PH. D.

Update: This post was written in October 2015. As 2016 approaches, stay tuned for my new booklist as I step into living my new, spiritually-charged life journey.

Adam Phillips on Love

All love stories are frustration stories… To fall in love is to be reminded of a frustration that you didn’t know you had (of one’s formative frustrations, and of one’s attempted self-cures for them); you wanted someone, you felt deprived of something, and then it seems to be there. And what is renewed in that experience is an intensity of frustration, and an intensity of satisfaction. It is as if, oddly, you were waiting for someone but you didn’t know who they were until they arrived. Whether or not you were aware that there was something missing in your life, you will be when you meet the person you want. What psychoanalysis will add to this love story is that the person you fall in love with really is the man or woman of your dreams; that you have dreamed them up before you met them; not out of nothing — nothing comes of nothing — but out of prior experience, both real and wished for. You recognize them with such certainty because you already, in a certain sense, know them; and because you have quite literally been expecting them, you feel as though you have known them for ever, and yet, at the same time, they are quite foreign to you. They are familiar foreign bodies. —Adam Phillips

Discover more about Adam Phillips and his work: https://www.brainpickings.org/2015/10/05/adam-phillips-missing-out-frustration-love/

Keys to a Resilient Heart

The blessings of the past 10 days (and year) have put me in an unshakable state of gratitude. If you ask anyone close to me, they’d tell you how lost and unlike myself I felt this time last year. And I’d agree with them. I was constantly sick, working a job I hated, and in an unhealthy relationship (months away from our wedding). By January, I was unemployed, heartbroken and left to pick up the pieces.  I have my loyal family and friends to thank for helping me wake up to my own life and not only cherish it, but grow into the resilient person I am today (even if I didn’t always believe in myself). Life has a funny way of working out. Sometimes you have to head down the absolute wrong path to learn what the right one is. I learned to laugh and cry and brave my way through this year. And I have incredibly strong influences who continue to touch my heart deeply.

I am blessed to say I am the happiest I have ever been, not because I have a perfect life or the perfect relationship; my life is far from perfect and I am happily single. The reason for this is I make the best of everything.

If you don’t love the person you are or who you’re becoming, change your perspective because it will change your life. Choose to become the best version of yourself.

Develop a Resilient Spirit

I found practicing gratitude goes a long way; so does resiliency. I had the privilege of stumbling upon Cheryl Richardson's podcast on resiliency featuring Dr. Joan Borysenko. I discovered you must adopt the ability to adjust your sails while realistically approaching necessary changes.

Dr. Borysenko refers to this attitude as faith: the willingness to be present to reality moment by moment as it evolves. My personal perspective encompasses a strong faith in a higher power (knowing if I take each step, I’ll be guided to where I need to be). But this mentality only works if you take initiative to move forward based on what you can realistically achieve today.

Aside from realism and faith, Joan’s keys to resiliency are:

• the ability to be creative/improvisational (the capacity to make something out of nothing)
• a sense of humor
• forgiveness
• gratitude

These gifts all have one major component in common (and not just because they were my combined saving grace). The keys to resiliency keep you grounded in the present rather than prisoner to your past mistakes, regret or heartbreak.

Dr. Borysenko goes on to share the last key to the equation in the wake of change: to keep the best kind of company you have—people who believe in your potential while refusing to let you forget why you’re walking this new path.

And possibly more key than this is creating a new network that supports where you’re going. These fresh souls will only know the you that you are working to become, and they will reinforce the blessings of charting your new course. Developing a "soul tribe" is vital for fostering your best self.

We cannot control the outcome of certain situations in life, but we are given the opportunity to choose how we react; we can either succumb to our failures and shortcomings or rise with a resilient spirit to create a life we can proudly embrace.

I hope you choose faith, but most of all, I pray your open heart leads you to the most magical of places.

To listen to the entire Podcast with Dr. Borysenko on "Developing Resiliency During Change," download it on iTunes.

The Curiosity Driven Life

According to Author Elizabeth (Liz) Gilbert, Passion was the main driving force in her life until one fateful day when her world was rocked. Until a pissed off reader courageously spoke up, she continued to vehemently preach to live your passions without the acknowledgement that there are so many souls who have not identified their one, burning passion (because they either don’t have one or they cannot narrow down their myriad passions).

Thank you to the woman who called out Liz and turned her view on passion upside down. It sparked a journey that eventually led to giving the talk, The Flight of the Hummingbird: The Curiosity Driven Life. Liz is a supreme gift to the world. Her spiritual practice is to bring the light into every encounter that she has. She does this with such vigor that you want to get out of your chair and start living a more purposeful life, right this minute. Passion was the driving force that made her stay in the game throughout life’s obstacles to become a best-selling author and one of my personal role models.

You have to identify your passion, that tower of flame, that will be your guiding, purposeful light; and you have to find that thing that makes you feel like your head is on fire; that makes you feel like there is a soul revolution going on deep inside your rib cage; that makes you feel like you would sacrifice and risk everything for that thing, that nothing else matters; that thing that you know you were born to do; and then you have to get every molecule in your being and you’ve got to funnel it directly and powerfully into that one thing and no other thing and you have to focus on that forever and that way, and only that way, will you succeed.

-Elizabeth Gilbert

Liz discovered what forms our passions and even purpose can only unfold from leading a curious life with an open heart. Only from this type of curious living can you gain the wisdom that is buried deep within your essence, that accumulates throughout your life experiences and grew out of a new perspective on life, love, and every lesson that arises.

A curious life takes a courageous heart. Liz’s dear friend and fellow author, Brené Brown, taught me her valuable definition of courage that lit my heart up: to speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart. We do this by putting our vulnerability on the line, a topic that Brené speaks and writes passionately about.

I can relate to the woman who spoke up to Liz, because my many passions have somewhat taken me down a path to finding my purpose; yet thinking of following through and living my purpose by defining the one, driving passion in my heart is an anxiety-ridden, overwhelming idea for me to swallow. And to combat this pressure-filled feeling that takes me so far into the future with worry, I simply take any sort of step I can toward determining (and living) my passion.

Liz refers to this step as following your curiosity. This concept calms my nerves and relieves me from not only narrowing down my passion, but also from feeling like I need to live my passion when life has me situated in another path. As I stay grounded in the amazing career I now pursue, I find peace in the passionate purpose of spreading light and love wherever I go. When I am feeling stuck or uneasy, I can embrace my curious heart and mind enough to take one step toward my newfound passion and purpose.

As long as I’m taking those brave steps toward my dream, I get a taste of that tower of flame and feel guided with the purposeful light Liz refers to. In that moment, all that matters is how I’m feeling because I am saying yes to what makes me feel alive: passion. It doesn’t matter if it’s my day job; it doesn’t matter if I realize how my passion will manifest itself (or even what or when it will be). All that counts is my soul feels as if it is on a revolution while I am making progress. Progress even if I’m writing until 3am and have to be up at 7am for work. It is this kind of drive and focus that turns your passion into your life’s work.

As far as I have learned, if you do this and follow whatever feels truly authentic to your soul, the Universe will provide everything you need to see it through. You must simply practice faith that the solution will appear. The kind of faith that Dr. Joan Borysenko defines as “the willingness to be present to reality moment by moment as it evolves.” By being present to reality instead of drifting off to fantasy island and gripping onto hope alone, you understand that action must be taken to achieve your dreams (whatever small action that may be in the moment). It may be as simple as keeping an open heart by practicing loving kindness, especially toward strangers and those you deemed unworthy of your love. Staying in this heart space is essential to unveiling all you’ll need on your path.

When you are in complete alignment with your authentic self, you will attract everything you desire in life.

The minute I began to own my authentic self with the audacity it took to admit I wasn’t living a life I could own with grace and dignity, and then digging deep inside my heart to reveal all I’d been holding back out of fear, the curtains literally dropped to display every bit of the puzzle that would keep me on my path of living authentically and wholeheartedly. Liz’s Flight of the Hummingbird speech is yet another God nudge among the infinite Grace I’m been shown along the way.

My dear Grandfather was a prolific writer who instilled a deep passion for writing that I always possessed, but I couldn’t share to the capacity that I do now; I hadn’t yet learned the lessons I was destined to discover. My curious heart led me to embark on a journey where fear would have left me waiting on the sidelines of my own life. It is that heart that is responsible for the words you are reading.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be, because I followed my heart and the curiosity within its walls. And because my broken heart allowed me to feel my way to wholeness, I can now fully live my passions in whatever form I find.