In the past, I have had words find me — in a serendipitous manner with a lace of intuition. This year was no exception as my favorite poet and artist, Morgan Harper Nichols, created an Instagram Reel of suggested words for the year. A screenshot determined my word this year, but I am certain it was meant for me (even if it were a millisecond between my word and another.)
I was clouded with so many fearful thoughts of the future, the what-ifs and I can’ts and worry-mixed-with-doubt. It was hard to gain clarity and even find out the truth in God’s sight: what is the best decision and next-right-thing? If only I could see through the fear, I pondered; what would that feel like? A sigh of relief, a breath of fresh air, and peace? Likely all of the above.
Discernment is a tool in our spiritual arsenal – one of the Holy Spirit gifts to us. It guides us to the will of God, which is to say the best possible outcome for us.
This year I choose blossom as my Word because it represents my intention to grow from the roots I planted as a new creation in Christ (2 Corinthians 5) and build back what was broken through the vehicle of relationship.
It was the morning of the most important interview of my career; with emotions running haywire and hormones adding a dizzying effect, I decided that I just couldn't go to my interview that afternoon. The fear shouted so loudly that I couldn't hear the voice of wisdom that knew to show up despite the very big feelings. This was my dream job, after all!
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
—Anaïs Nin
This is my favorite quote in the entire world which is a bold statement because I collect quotes by the bucketload.
Anaïs Nin’s words spoke to me deeply at the beginning of this year. Now that 2015 is coming to an end, I’ve blossomed in unexpected yet beautiful ways. But to say that this is the end of my journey to self discovery is far from the case.
In my mind, life is truly beginning because I have learned to embrace all of life and live wholeheartedly. It is as if the fearful weight I carried around kept me from really seeing the beauty in everything the world has to offer.
I love unconditionally, laugh uncontrollably and feel negative and positive emotions without hesitation. I believe life is meant to be lived with an open heart and all that comes with this state of being.
Being in touch with my true self has allowed me to see the potential of all that is possible. 2016 will be an experiment in manifesting the intuitions that 2015 unleashed. I will be sharing my experience on my blog in hopes of inspiring you to blossom.
I cannot quite believe that 2015 is nearing an end. If Christmas was not right around the corner, you could say I would be fooled. But, if I go by my feeling, I can say without a shadow of doubt that the year is coming to a beautiful close. What started out as the hardest year of my life, has blossomed in a way that has left me in constant awe of what is possible.
Today is the new Moon, a day that now carries significant meaning in my life. The number 11 is a special gateway into magical happenings and new energy, and it’s no coincidence that it always falls around the new Moon. New Moons represent new beginnings, a fresh start each month, and paired with 11 (which also represents new beginnings) brings an extra special time to not only reflect on how far I’ve come, but where I want to go. I take the time to notice how I feel, if I am centered and prepared to step into the fresh month with loving intentions.
As I ponder how I feel in this moment, I notice my heart is starting to expand in a way it never has before. I feel all kinds of amazing energy and the vastness in this space is truly awe-inspiring. God’s love just knocks me over with such power and I’m so grateful to be in this place. Somehow, along the way, I pushed past the last few barriers I was facing, and I allowed all of this energy to rush in, ready to move me forward into the life I feel is imminent.
I didn’t know it was possible to be this happy, accepting and open to life exactly as it is. I didn’t know it was possible to love this much and to allow gratitude to permeate all aspects of my life. I don’t know what I did to deserve the best life of my life, although I do know I put in the work; I made mistakes and I learned to really love myself (and others by proxy) just as I am. I am far from perfect, but I am perfect in all the ways God has blessed me. If I can spend the rest of my life feeling this expansive and loving while spreading my light and love, then I will have truly come here for the right reasons.
I believe if you put in the work with endless determination, practice undying faith and keep your heart directed toward love, the path leads you to places unforeseen, full of wonder, beauty and light. I am still the same person when I look in the mirror, but the soul looking back at me is shining in all its splendor. The dull, lifeless person that once stood in the mirror, unrecognizable, has vanished.
The light I have gathered in my being will prevent me from ever looking at the person I see in the mirror without responding with an assured I love you. You are whole. You are beautiful. If I could have lunch with the me I was last January, this is what I would say:
It gets better. Yes, it sucks right now and your world may seem as if it has fallen apart; it may feel as though the journey forward is impossible. Do not fear the light inside of you. If you dig deep and sit patiently with every feeling in your weary heart, I promise it gets better. It gets so much better.
There is a place inside you that no one can take, that no person can fully extinguish. They may try to squander your light, but your soul knows who you are and it knows the way. This place still holds a vast expanse of potential to love. Simply, yet boldly, set your fears aside; it’s what got you in this messy predicament and it’s what will keep you from finding the escape route, too.
Choose the path to love. Make the impossible choice, the road less traveled. Tip toe if you must, but take the step. You will find if you enlist your curious heart that you have the capacity to love and live like never before.
Look back only to learn from your mistakes, not to dwell in your misery. You won’t find what you’re looking for if you can’t see the blessing in the present moment. Determine why you took each misstep on the way toward your fear-ridden, downward spiral.
God intends to teach us lessons, and if we look at our past, we will see He simply needed us to choose love. We have to choose love every single time.
Take a chance to live fully, to love wholeheartedly and to travel to the depths of your soul. Your essence is the key to who you are; not who you thought you wanted to be, or who you were trying to be or even who someone else wanted you to be. Who were you before you tried to please others by fitting your heart into a square peg? You aren’t a square; you are an infinite heart. You don’t need to try to fit in when you’re meant to fly.
Stand up. Reach out. Laugh until you cry. Dance it out. Travel to the corners of the Earth if you must. Sit with a friend who reminds you of who you truly are. Sit with yourself in quiet solitude. You will find answers in the silence. Pray, a lot. Get to know yourself, again. Discover how brave you can be if you know falling may happen, because you will learn how to rise. Explore the weightlessness that comes out of your expansive soul. Leap and see how far your heart will take you.
Then, darling, soar with the wings you will grow. Don’t look back, and don’t look forward. Find the peace in this moment. Feel the love radiating from your heart. Send gratitude for the beautiful soul that your body inhabits. And know you can be who you always wanted to be.
You are safe. You are loved.
This is what I would tell my old self. The me today is fearless, not in a way that I am certain of everything in my life, but I am certain my faith will see me through. Maybe that is why we fall in the first place, so we can learn to fly.
All love stories are frustration stories… To fall in love is to be reminded of a frustration that you didn’t know you had (of one’s formative frustrations, and of one’s attempted self-cures for them); you wanted someone, you felt deprived of something, and then it seems to be there. And what is renewed in that experience is an intensity of frustration, and an intensity of satisfaction. It is as if, oddly, you were waiting for someone but you didn’t know who they were until they arrived. Whether or not you were aware that there was something missing in your life, you will be when you meet the person you want. What psychoanalysis will add to this love story is that the person you fall in love with really is the man or woman of your dreams; that you have dreamed them up before you met them; not out of nothing — nothing comes of nothing — but out of prior experience, both real and wished for. You recognize them with such certainty because you already, in a certain sense, know them; and because you have quite literally been expecting them, you feel as though you have known them for ever, and yet, at the same time, they are quite foreign to you. They are familiar foreign bodies.
—Adam Phillips
