Just when you want to quit is the moment to dig in; so much can change in a short amount of time if we surrender to the process of healing that wants to be birthed during our darkest hours. And if circumstances are slow to transform, we will be given the strength and stamina to endure those trials.
I was ready to give up only eight months ago; I remember lying in bed thinking so clearly that I could not go on living. Mired in fear, my thoughts had become so low due to the tired, weary and hopeless spirit that I’d dragged along the path I was choosing (against my better judgment). I was feeling low enough - with little left to give - that I truly thought I wanted to give up; something was ailing me to the extent that I believed I didn’t have a year or ten or twenty left to live.
I had lived so much life in a mere 35 years that I figured “it was enough” and “it ought to be time to throw in the towel;” this is how dark our thoughts can become when we are living in the bottom of our self-dug holes of despair and listening to the voice of fear.
I prayed like I never prayed before and wrote this letter to God not long after this evening:
07.20.2020
Dear God,
I am ready to do what is required of me to move on to the next chapter of my life (according to your Will and purpose for me). Please bless the roads I am meant to travel down and block the roads no longer meant for me. This has gone on too long and I am ready for big changes. Have Your way in me. Amen.
turn it around
How things so quickly turned around when I dug in and did the hard work of turning my life around; I had finally decided enough was enough and I had to make the choice to pivot directions. I couldn’t do this without God, so I yearned and pleaded with Him to know His will for my life and direct me in that way forward.
You see, I relapsed during 2020 in a big, destructive way. With the pandemic shut-down in full swing and no recovery community to meet with, I was able to hide in the pain and isolate from others. Since we couldn’t actually meet for in-person fellowship, I was left to my own devices to deeply allow my weaknesses to tumble me downward. I had to learn the hard way that I wasn’t ready for the kind of work and commitment it took to fully recovery or felt worthy enough to reach out for the support I required to do so; I had everything at my fingertips: tools, accountability, sponsors and friends, but I used none of them. Because I didn’t have enough strength in my own power to overcome my demons and didn’t feel worthy of reaching out for the support I needed, I quickly crumbled under the Covid-19 lockdown.
returning to old friends
I believed I was beyond my alcohol abuse issue; I was over two years sober when the pandemic ravaged life-as-we-knew-it. When I was feeling depressed, alone and scared, I turned to my old friend, alcohol, to numb the pain and feel something other than the discomfort I was experiencing daily. I hid this from anyone in my life who knew I was sober and (trying to stay that way). Isolation allowed me to hide my addiction and remain lost in my misery, using alcohol as my solution rather than relying on recovery, fellowship, accountability partners and my sponsor - the dream team God had gifted me when I entered recovery. Instead, I spent time with co-workers, friends outside of my recovery community and even invited old flames into my life so drown in misery with.
I was so far in my misery and pain, that I didn’t think to call a friend or return to meetings, I didn’t feel worthy of help nor did I want help. I rebelled from the life God started building within and around me that gave me the firm foundation I needed to remain sober and sound in mind/judgment.
I wish I could blame the pandemic, but sadly the pandemic only created a perfect opportunity to relapse; I chose to use that opportunity as a reason to fall into temptation instead of reaching out for support to stay sober and on track. I wasn’t ready to live in God’s will. I failed to embrace and own Step 3 where our lives must be surrendered to and lived in conjunction with God’s will for us. I got stuck because I wanted to live in my will, doing things my way - no matter how destructive or misinformed they may be.
sound resolutions and deliverance
Today, because I pleaded with God to save me from myself and turn my life around, He absolutely did it and then some. He stayed true to his promises as I stuck to mine, vowing to do whatever it took to make the changes required to get on a better path.
I am one year sober from alcohol, finished my 12 Steps and moved into becoming a sponsor (which I never thought I’d do), became a worship leader for Celebrate Recovery and rejoined a 12 Step Study group to commit to further progress in Codependency and Love Addiction.
Everything changed when the lockdown lifted, I got serious about changing my life and committed to doing whatever it took to fully recover, submit to God’s will (Step 3) and gain the power to recover (Step 11).
Step 3: We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.
Step 11: We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us, and power to carry that out.
If you are ready for God to move mountains in your life, call out to Him and ask for help with a prayer like this:
Dear God,
Show me the next right step according to your perfect will for me. Help me make choices that please and honor you. Steer me from wrongdoing and anchor me in your Love. For your ways are always true and lead me to higher ground - where I find peace in the presence of the Almighty God. Amen.
Then with this prayer on your heart, make a vow to do whatever it takes to make those changes in your life, while trusting God to do the heavy lifting as you take baby steps toward the future you are meant to have, the future you are worthy of. Make the first step forward by reaching out for help. Tell someone how you’re struggling and find a Celebrate Recovery meeting and church community to support you as you move forward.