For as long as it takes, for as long as it hurts, keep moving forward.
Moving on after a breakup is downright difficult and can seem impossible. It feels like walking through thick, swampy mud—you try to move on but seem to be completely stuck in the past. These feelings are natural, normal even—after all breakups are a loss which means grief comes along inside the package of pain, angst, regret, confusion, anger and doubt.
Feelings, however painful, do pass. They won’t be with us forever, ceasing to drag us into the pit we feel trapped in. They are simply a part of the grieving process: honoring the love we had and the love we lost, revealing our deep despair over losing a deep attachment that we felt physically, emotionally and even spiritually connected to.
we have to go through
If we can steep down into the mucky grief we find ourselves immersed in, if we honor our feelings and let them move through us (not take us over), we will find ourselves slowly walking further and further toward the other side of grief and loss—leaving more of the mud we’ve been traipsing through.
At first, we won’t be able to function or see through our grief and despair; hope will seem so far in the distance that it is barely a flicker in the night that we can’t even see. But as is the case with feelings, they come but they also leave. With anything temporary, we can trust that we won’t always feel this way; we can find solace in knowing no matter how hard the feelings may be now, they will lift over time.
It might takes months, years even, depending on the length of the relationship and depth of grief, but eventually those feelings won’t seem to knock us over like waves we don’t see coming. Someday, if we lean into the grief and honor its process, the feelings will come sporadically but they won’t have the capacity to knock us down. They will simply roll past like a slow tide as we remember the bittersweet love lost.
If you are mourning a loss today, know that it takes as along as it takes (and longer if we avoid the grief and seek to numb ourselves of the pain it brings). Loss is something serious; validating our feelings, pain and grief is a necessary step to wading through the process.
More than validating our feelings, we need to experience them as they come. It is the only way through grief. Avoiding or numbing ourselves from feelings doesn’t make them go away; it only prolongs the process of working through the pain. The sooner we lean into what we feel, the sooner we move on from how we feel.
Hope in front of you
To keep moving forward and avoid the risk of returning to our ex (especially if it was a toxic relationship), we can bolster our sense of hope and faith in what lies ahead. Loss is loss and that is something we must cope with to honor our precious heart and the grief washing over us; if it is God’s will, the partner we lost will be replaced with someone healthier who is suited to who we are becoming and aligned with our purpose—a partner who honors, values and protects our heart with every ounce of their being.
When I couldn’t bear to let go of my ex, I clung to hope desperately believing that God had someone else in store for my future, someone I would one day cross paths with. Believing fervently in this possibility helped me let go when I wanted to run backwards and resurrect a dead relationship that was so clearly bad for me, with someone that didn’t want to be with me as much as I wanted to be with them.
I returned to my journal, listed all the things I value and want in a partner and also listed everything I didn’t want in a partner that my ex represented (as a needed reminder that they weren’t the one for me). That list aided in my recovery process and gave my mind something to cling to in hopes of meeting a man that could treat and honor me as I deserved.
If we balance the line between grieving the past and hoping for a better future, we will slowly if not steadily move on. Hope is what grows the seed of faith inside us, reminding the broken pieces that they will be put together again—with God’s love, grace and healing. And one day, God willing, by the hands of a man who holds us tenderly as we continue to heal and rebuild trust and a sense of self once God has used this season to have His way in us, preparing us for what lies ahead.
“Look straight ahead, and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark out a straight path for your feet; stay on the safe path.”