I first learned of attachment styles back in 2020 when I read an article about how the power of attachment styles rules your relationships. As a constantly-struggling party in relationships, I was immediately intrigued about the reasons behind my chronic issues.
I checked out Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller from the library, and as I reached the chapter on Anxious Attachment it felt like reading a synopis on my own life, line-by-line. Though I was reassured by reading about my struggles through stories about fellow anxious-attachers, I simultaneously felt deep emotions over my repeat relationships affected by my anxiety and attachment type.
I wish I could tell you this book’s aha moment descended upon me and healed me from my relationship issues, but lo I cannot. While I was empowered by knowledge and awareness of my type, I still sought out unavailable partners (even after learning how destabilizing they are for me and my chronically-activated attachment system).
I continued my pattern of dating emotionally and physically unavailable partners, leading to even more distress and hard-lessons. You see, I hadn’t set out to do the deep-seated healing of the root cause yet, so I chose avoidant partners who represented my low self worth.
New Dawn of power
After reeling from another dead-end, activating relationship, where I did all the classic anxious-avoidant moves: thought they’d change, believe the good in them and believe there isn’t anyone else out there suited for you, I was freshly wounded and awakened from my denial-induced, wishful-thinking slumber.
My line of sight caught Attached in the bookshelf, and I knew it was time to revisit - a mere five years later.
Re-reading the book felt like putting on a warm blanket in winter, whilst being imbued with a sense of empowerment - the kind I needed to leave and not turn back. I knew rationally what I needed to do, but the book reminded me my attachment style and relational needs will send me right back into their arms (that is without this book, some ripe therapy and friends ready for back-up).
Lessons Learned
When it comes to any attachment style, especially anxious, it is extremely important to find the secure, available types (yes, secure attachment is a type) — the ones who will reassure you, remain continuous and provide a comfort zone to return to regularly.
Without this kind of relationship, the activating of the attachment system will continue until it destroys focus, health and productivity. The obsession of returning to the “safety zone” (that comes so infrequently with avoidant types), is the only time you begin to feel normal again. The drive to feel this normalcy after activating hell from elongated distance is enough to keep the anxious person fixated until they get that warm feeling from closeness again.
This obsession, I have found, is not only detrimental to your emotional health but crosses over to physical health symptoms (not to mention consequences of being overly distracted at work, home or on the road).
The dangers of an unhealthy relationship are just not worth the small, intermittent benefits of getting someone’s “love” to provided a token of comfort that we will become overly obsessed with obtaining again and again.
I have found that the secure partners do exist. And more than that, they provide incredible comfort, reassurance, warmth and yes, steady, dependable love.
That kind of relationsihp is what you are worthy of, what I am worthy of, and is really worth waiting for.