This is my year for a new beginning - to break free from the chains of my past and live intentionally in alignment with my God-given gifts and purpose without fear to hold me back. I chose a word for this theme: commence, meaning “to start or begin.”
In order to prepare for a year such as a new start, God brought me through a year of expansion in 2021 (my word expand set the stage for this to occur). I found out the hard way that in order to expand, I needed to set goals and do the work of removing everything standing between me and the life I was destined to live: fear, low self worth, lack of confidence, not enough support, toxic relationships and confusion.
I had felt so badly about not moving forward in my life and yet I wasn’t willing to do the hard inner work to move forward as I was meant to. I was still clinging to unhealthy habits in relationships, codependency, safety, comfort, addition to pain and dysfunction and fear.
After losing my job at the close of 2020, I was given the gift of a new beginning, but this required an entire year of getting clear, setting goals, doing therapy, focusing on recovery, back-sliding, re-introducing myself to my core purpose of helping children, a lot of art therapy, journaling and self-reflection.
I had one opportunity after another to revert to old habits, take jobs not meant to me out of fear and indecision, regress, consequences of maladaptive behavior, getting off the beaten path I’d been on for a decade and doing things out of my comfort zone mostly to prove myself that I can and to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and facing my fears.
Among being comfortable with the uncomfortable was getting used to living in the unknown—letting go of control so that God can come into the midst of my confusion, deliver clarity and follow it with aligned opportunities. I also had to let go of how I expected things to happen, when I wanted them to happen and how. In other words, I became flexible enough to trust that God is sovereign enough to answer my prayers in the best way possible even if it goes against what I desire, dreamt of or conceived of.
While living in the land of Unknown, I wanted to take control, move forward and seek safety, security and answers in solutions no longer aligned with my purpose and gifts. In fact, I moved forward in haste several times, only to realize I had made a mistake in choosing something against my intentions, purpose and destiny. When I admitted my mistake and left behind what was not for me, God always rerouted me to an even better opportunity and option. I learned to let go of certainty in the things I cling to for safety and gave Him the chance to faithfully provide for me.
new beginnings
Today, three days into the New Year, I can trust that I am where I am meant to be. Even if I must dwell in the unknown for a time longer, I am used to my abode now, seeing as God has come through time and time again. I no longer have to control the reigns of my life in anticipation of my fears coming true. I can trust that by saying no to comfort, fear and security, I am creating space for more of the yes’s God has for me. I can find more joy, meaning and purpose as I enjoy the life He created for me using the gifts given to me.
With the intentions, hard work, healing and deep dive I participated in last year, I can slowly saunter into 2022 with trust, faith and assurance in God. I do not have to waste my time or other people’s time when I move in directions not meant for my new chapter. I will stay firmly where God desires for me to be, faithfully serving where I am placed.
In leaving behind the opportunities not meant for me and the toxic relationships that held me in unhealthy holding patterns, I have left behind what was not meant for me. I finally healed enough hurts from childhood, learned of my purpose, let go of old habits and cleared the way for God’s purpose.
Now, I can look to the next year knowing I have finished the work required in preparation for the future—and walk toward the commencement to kick off a year that will surely be filled with more wonder, joy, awe and purpose.
“To begin again, we have to let go of every doubt we hold about why God has brought us to the place we are right now - and trust there are impossible-to-imagine good things ahead!”
~ Bonnie Rickner Jensen