Know that you are perfect in this moment. Your past, your childhood conditioning, your relationships or your job do not define you.
You are a divine being of Light and you are Love at the very core. When you connect to the true nature of your soul, you will simply radiate from the inside out. You will become a beacon of hope and healing to all those you encounter. This is who you are.
So drop the dead weight and baggage you carry from your past, because you deserve to feel light and love.
Imagine a word you want to embrace and embody, then create a mantra around that word. My mantra today and every day is: I am light. I am love. I am whole.
My life coach, Sky Blossoms, advises in her book, Best Thing Ever, to write your chosen mantra or word on your mirror, at your desk or in your car (or all three), and leave it there for 30 days. Repeat it daily to yourself.
Notice the changes in you after the month closes; see the difference you feel in your mind, body and spirit. When we decide something and allow it to pervade our being, something shifts in our body. Our body responds to whatever is in our mind. So choose to believe and repeat empowering words to yourself often.
Our mind comes up with enough negative jibber jabber on a daily basis; counter some of that with positive reinforcement in your thoughts and words. Your mind will catch on and your body will follow suit in beyond measurable ways. Try it and see just how much of a difference this will make in your life.
If you do you and keep your basket full, you are bound to upset some people who want your time and attention. Do you want to give them your half-assed, spread-too-thin self or be sure you’re taking care of yourself first? Because the latter will allow you to show up with a healthier, more loving perspective and attitude.
I promise you will upset, piss off or annoy certain people either way; you might as well take the time to make yourself happy first.
One doesn’t often dig into the meaning of a word, the essence behind it, or the root of the word itself. Brené Brown does this like a champ in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection. One word’s meaning stuck out to me more than others, a word that defines my journey to an open heart: courage.
The root of the word courage is in fact heart (cor). Brené defines courage as the ability to speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart. This might have been the single most vulnerable action in my journey as it was what I most struggled with in my downfall.
On my journey to repair my broken heart, I discovered that in feeling the depth of my pain, I actually feel more whole than ever before. And my whole heart is ready to love on a new plane, one that understands love as if I am love. That’s what I am when fear is stripped away. That’s why I am here.
And so coming to this place of love, for myself and for everyone in my life (including those I felt betrayed by), I find myself wanting to go to that place where love thrives. I want to escape the mundane grind of everyday life and create one that is riddled with love: friendly love, sibling love, platonic love, romantic love and unconditional love.
As a society, we are wired to search for love—to complete a part of us that we feel is lacking by plucking an elusive partner (as if we truly know what’s best for us). You decide that this stranger will somehow make your life better by filling up some space inside your heart that feels incomplete.
And so as the law of attraction states, you will also attract someone who is looking for a partner to complete them. I’m not a math whiz by any means, but I know that two halves make a whole. The problem with this is: once you remove one half, you cannot be whole. You are very simply putting yourself in a vulnerable situation in which you rely on another person to feel whole. Not only is this absolutely dangerous for your wellbeing, but it is just as treacherous for the other half of your equation. The immense pressure you’ve just set each other up for is not only unhealthy, but unsustainable too.
I have been the co-dependent girl who searched for love outside myself to feel whole. I know the very empty place it leaves you in when someone cannot live up to the absolutely impossible job you’ve signed them up for. An even worse predicament arises when your other half needs to feel whole too. You gather what you can from your already depleted reserve, but you cannot give what you do not already possess.
So after two failed relationships in a row, I decided to get wiser. My whole world simply cannot crumble if my partner doesn’t take so much of it with them. I knew if I were to succeed in love, I had to look inward. I could spend my life in denial and blame others for my heartbreak or I could get busy uncovering the void in my heart that attributed to my relationship demise.
I would choose to love myself first. I would feel the immense pain in my heart and I would use that as fuel for my self discovery. If we search for love to fill a void in our own lives, we most certainly don’t love ourselves fully and we cannot embrace (or find) the love that lingers in our own heart.
I decided to create a sense of wholeness, one that would render me independent, self sufficient and wildly in love with my life and myself. Rumi reminds me time and time again that “Your task is not to seek love but to find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
Self love or lack thereof was my biggest hurdle. I couldn’t find the place of peace in my own heart that would sustain me. I wouldn’t accept my own life circumstances and feel gratitude for what I do have. So I went to find peace outside myself and that always managed to be from relationships. Placing myself in their life always seemed better than what I was dealing with. But after living a life that didn’t feel authentic, attempting to love with less than a whole heart while lifting them up inside, and feeling lost at the end, I knew I had it all wrong. And two wrong, less than whole people don’t make a right (and never will).
Fast forward one year of being single and learning to love myself and others unconditionally. And let me tell you a secret. You do not need to be in a relationship to do this. I would actually urge you not to be in a relationship at this time. You will most certainly attract the same kind of less than whole people while in this phase of your progression. And unless you feel strongly that the universe has delivered this person to you in order to hammer the lesson into your brain further (and you might very well need another dose of reality), do not invest your time in a relationship right now.
Love yourself during this time. Look into the shadows of your soul to find why you have a less than loving perspective of yourself. Friends and family are a beautiful blessing to your during this time. They are also a reflection of the love you are radiating currently and will reflect any less than loving feelings that may arise. If we cannot love our close friends or family unconditionally, then odds are we won’t be able to love anyone else to that degree either.
Go back to the drawing board every time your inclination is to judge or show any behavior that is less than loving toward yourself or your loved ones. It is here that you can learn to reconstruct your programmed mind that keeps you safe from perceived dangers, protects your heart and tells you what is right or wrong in any case. You can only place right or wrong on your own journey based on how loving you feel in that moment. We cannot place any semblance of right or wrong on others; they’re fighting their own inner battle, so you must continue to show up with love.
Ego will fight against this loving sentiment and place fear where love should be (especially if someone is showing you less than loving intentions). Know that it isn’t personal; showing someone less than love by reacting negatively only hurts you.
When you are love, you recognize love and see no barriers to it. You can fall in love in one day. You can let your deepest, most vulnerable self be seen and touched by another. And you can give up your search for love, because you are love. And the love you are will undoubtedly attract that same love in another.
If you are whole and you are love, then your partner will be whole and will be love. Together two whole hearts will create a love that illuminates every part of your world. You will grow and be tested in unforeseen ways. You will feel like your best self where your soul continues to shine. You won’t need or require the love of another, yet you’ll be lucky enough to have it when you lose sight of the love in your own heart. They will see your resilient spirit. And they will never let you forget where you’ve been or where you’re going with an open and loving heart.
Together, the unity and vision you create will set you on a journey where you alone may not reach. You will give the ultimate gift of unconditional love and finally surrender to receive this gift in return. You will never take for granted the way this one makes you feel. And it will be your pleasure to remind them every day of the pristine heart they truly are.
I chose gratitude as my word of 2015. I constantly worked to create and cultivate this feeling in my everyday life through my gratitude jar. Gratitude filled my heart with acceptance, presence, awareness and ultimately love: love for what is, what has been and what could be.
I find myself choosing a new word for 2016.
Due to my year of gratitude, I am radiating happiness from within so brightly that I can’t help myself. I can’t help but shine that energy outward.
And so I am led quite effortlessly to my word for 2016: sprout.
Sprout where I have planted my gracious heart and allow that love to grow like weeds and spread like wildfire wherever I go.
Sprout with my roots of understanding and awareness of my limitless soul and potential for spreading light.
Sprout with the knowledge I acquired from relentlessly watering my hungry heart last year.
Sprout with intention to discover the potential of my purpose as a light seeker, love dweller and infinite soul.
Sprout with the faith to trust another human with my heart and gently hold theirs in my palm.
Sprout with the dream I have placed on my heart and harness the power to create it step by step.
Sprout with the lessons I hold emblazoned on my heart as a reminder to live boldly and bravely always.
Sprout with the kindness and compassion that one gathers only by living with an open heart.
How will you grow in 2016?
Ditch the resolutions and simply choose to sprout where you are planted. Know in your heart that you are perfect in this moment.
Always water your heart with more love than you think is needed. Only then will you have an overflow of joy to affect those around you.
Here are my tips for taking the love in your heart and spreading seeds of intention wherever you go:
Choose a random act of kindness that pervades the current state of our world with hope. Acts can involve money but favors and deeds will impact someone on a deeper level.
Befriend someone you know could use some uplifting and encouragement.
Hug longer and harder than you usually do and don’t be the one to let go first.
Pause in moments when you want to react adversely and choose to be your higher self.
Smile at strangers. You won’t know how much they need your light until you see it reflected in their reaction.
And if your 2016 is beginning in a dark place, choose to spread your kindness inward and love yourself through whatever battle you are facing.
You are love. You are enough. And you too can sprout after you put down loving roots in your heart.
At the beginning of the year, some unexpected punches were thrown my family’s way (on top of more personal upheaval in my world). The ways in which these storms changed my perspective on life is countless. I learned the hard way that life can truly change in a matter of seconds. I learned that we are here on this Earth to love.
I turned to writing to release the painstaking space my thoughts occupied in my mind. I turned to books to find underlying meaning from tragic events. I turned to quotes to lift up my soul and give my heart joy. I stumbled upon a particular quote that stuck out above the rest for the urgency it evoked in me. It is as if the words reached into my chest and starting to pulsate my heart again. These words are actually an excerpt from Mary Oliver’s poem, The Summer Day.
The Summer Day by Mary Oliver
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
Nearly a year has passed since I discovered this poem, and a lifetime full of lessons and wisdom have graced my heart. I can say with certainty that I am now more alive than I have ever been. And, I now have my own list of answers to Mary’s prompt. It seems fitting to share them as 2015 comes to a close.
So Mary, this is what I plan to do:
I would love like I’ve never been hurt.
I would kiss someone just to see what their lips feel like on mine.
I would tell someone I love them even if I met them that day.
I would put my heart on the line just so I can feel the depth of another soul touching mine.
I would laugh until my insides hurt.
I would be brutally honest with myself and others.
I would sing at the top of my lungs and pretend an audience is listening.
I would dance in my underwear to my favorite songs.
I would hug each person like I mean it so they can feel how much I care.
I would make mistakes because only by doing and failing can you learn to get up again.
I would spend time with the one I love even if I know it could be the last time.
I would let my ego down gently because I don’t always need to feel safe; I want to feel alive.
I would take a road trip just to feel the sensation of sand between my toes and water against my skin.
I would tell someone how much I love them even if they cannot return the sentiment. I’d rather live in love than die in fear.
I would forgive the people who hurt me, because holding onto grudges is actually hurting me.
I would understand that no one does anything ill-intentioned just to cause me pain. Their actions are simply a reflection of how small they feel inside.
I would feel every emotion available to me as it arises knowing that pent up energy in my body will only hold me back from bringing new, positive energy in.
I would believe that I deserve a happy ending and know that I have every bit of power to create it.
I would surrender to the truth in my heart even if it kills me.
I would chase after my dreams knowing anything placed on my heart is because I am powerful enough to manifest it.
I would live to serve my purpose of spreading light and love wherever I go.
I would live in the moment and feel the calmness that each passing second brings me.
I would not chase after love but learn to be love.
I would know that my raised vibration will attract those people that will meet me in love.
I would not date with the end goal of marriage; I would date to give and receive the ultimate goal of love.
I would dare to say what I mean and mean what I say.
I would reveal my layers to another knowing that my vulnerability invites the same in them.
I would share my story not to relive the past, but to emblazon the truth in my heart so others may be touched in a way that moves them.
I would know that the truth will always come out; it’s not my job to unveil it for others when their own path will lead the way.
I would face my fears instead of calculating every move to avoid them.
I would accept every wrong turn as a blessing for the place it brought me to.
I, when faced with a crossroads, would vehemently choose love, every single time. I already know where fear leads me.
I would not worry about loved ones for I would empower them with love.
I would search for every barrier against love and learn that I’ve been programmed to fear.
I would trust that on the path of love I will be given everything I need to succeed; I must only be willing to listen and act on my intuition.
I would understand that hope is not faith; faith requires action while hope begs.
I would listen to the longing in my heart.
I would climb the mountain even if it takes all day; the feeling at the top will overcome all.
I would hold my family close and embrace them for all they are instead of all they are not.
I would bow in humble gratitude everyday for the blessings in my life; I know I cannot invite in more blessings if I am not thankful for what I have.
I would jump at any and every opportunity that comes my way for I know that it could be the one chance I get to meet a new friend or discover a key for my path.
I would allow my heart to bleed and my soul to sing.
I would know that everything happens for a reason; the synchronicity behind seemingly unimportant events is there if I look for it.
I would know that if I feel something deep in my body center it is because I am being urged to listen to my inner knowingness.
I would choose not to resist life, but to allow all that is flowing through me to pass with ease.
I would know that in this moment, I am exactly where I need to be; I am being prepared for the next step of my journey.
I would know that until I have reached my next goal, I will wholeheartedly embrace where I am now and love myself through it.
I would know that life doesn’t always make sense but it does have a purpose; it’s when I find that purpose that it begins to make sense.
I would know that the universe will bring me whatever serves my highest purpose. All I must do is ask for it and act as though I already have it.
So as 2015 comes to a rumbling halt (and for all that you brought this year, I am deeply grateful), I kindly say see you never. This year will always be fondly (and not so fondly) thought of as the year of love, second chances and harsh but necessary lessons.
If something doesn’t excite your soul, find something that does. If you don’t love with every ounce of your being, look underneath as to why. If life doesn’t seem like a grand adventure, change your perspective. And so, on the verge of 2016 I leave you with this:
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
This stack represents all of the books that have guided me along my journey of recent past; one served as my Bible, many served as inspiration, and while I didn’t finish some, they spoke to me as much as I was ready to be spoken to.
I offer this list of chosen titles in hopes that they provide the same light out of darkness in your life. I pray the words soften your weary heart. Although many of these books changed my life, at a certain point, I had to leave the comfort these pages offered and find my own sense of solace. It was time to face my life, the life that these books helped give so much meaning to.
My temptation was to hide from life between these pages. I wanted to keep reading, to keep learning, and to keep discovering; yet I knew until I learned the lessons that these books offered me, reading would begin to be a great disservice. What I learned in the pages of my own life is we must relive our lessons multiple times (even if they seem to already resonate in our hearts). So, I set down my security blanket and put my heart back on the line.
I began to experience the very feelings I try to avoid through knowledge gathering or my busy schedule or with food. A soulmate returned to my life (much like Broken Open foreshadowed months prior). This blessing of a human reopened the wounds that I so carefully kept shut—wounds I was afraid to shed light on, afraid of how facing them might feel.
Not only did I begin to feel the depth of longing, despair, grief and sadness that buried itself in the walls of my heart, but I was able to feel what possibilities lingered in soul-level connection, passion and desire. When the light of day was revealed after the passion of night subsided, I was left raw, open and wounded; I was ready to do the healing I was once afraid to tackle.
When I realized I still had many lessons to learn, the discovery hit me like an unexpected wave. I wanted to crawl back inside the safe walls of comfort with this person instead of face the loneliness and depths of my broken heart.
The blessings of opening my heart to new experiences (albeit with a familiar soul) were many, but the most poignant lesson was certainly to love myself first: love myself enough to heal my shattered heart and pick up all the pieces from my failed relationship and the pieces from my latest love affair.
I turned back to the pages, but this time I was writing the story and the subject was me. I often turned to the pages of my favorite books to glean inspirational quotes from and to tie my experiences back to what I read. The revelations that followed allowed me to put the pieces together one by one. Each ah-ha moment lead to the next ah-ha moment.
I stumbled repeatedly while living my story out in real time, but I always returned to pen and paper. It’s where I created the glue for my life. It’s where I reset my intentions and reflected on failed attempts and lessons yet to be learned.
When I was tempted to pick up where I left off in a book or pick up a new book, I stopped and deciphered if this book would serve as an enlightenment or a distraction. At this point in my life, I was still learning to act valiantly and courageously on that which I had already learned. I vowed to set my booklists aside only to revert to inspirational quotes and passages when I needed a loving reminder to live out what I read (whether it be from someone else’s book or my own journal pages).
Sometimes it helps to not only know where you’re going but to know where you’ve been. Take this opportunity to pat yourself on the back with a job well done, to recognize how far you’ve come, and to know you’re doing the best you can in that moment.
While the pages of my book are still being played out (and will always be playing out), I am nearing the final chapter of my current journey—one that will hopefully see the shelves of a bookstore one day. If my story can one day provide the words of wisdom that serve as inspiration to a lost or grieving soul, then I will have given more purpose to my story than I could ever dream of.
Until that day comes, I am still living many lessons and putting certain lessons to work. The universe has continuously tested me, and I feel I am ready to begin the final test of this journey of self love—the journey of my patchwork heart. And one day, when I feel i can wholeheartedly resume reading, I will begin to mindfully pick up whatever book speaks to me most at the time.
What I know for sure: there is no shame in putting a book down if your heart is not ready to consume the message. I have set books aside for years, only to pick them up again with an astonishing smack in the face. It is then that I know I am open to the gift revealed in each page. I have also reread books that spoke to me on an entirely new level based on where I am in my journey of self-discovery. That’s the beauty of books, knowledge and lessons—they will always be waiting for the moment you are ready.
My booklist is ever-growing and that will never change. But what has evolved is my self-awareness to live more than read and to experience more than write. I urge you to keep on living that beautifully scarred life you were given.
Books pictured (and un-pictured):
Best Thing Ever by Sky Blossoms
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown
Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth
The Courage to be Yourself by Sue Patton Thoele
The Spiritual Dimension of the Enneagram by Sandra Maitri
Cast in God’s Image: Discover Your Personality Type Using the Enneagram and Kabbalah by Rabbi Howard A. Addison
Peace Is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh
There’s a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem by Wayne W. Dyer
Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser (my personal bible after heartbreak)
Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert (everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, should read this book)
Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss, PH. D.
Update: This post was written in October 2015. As 2016 approaches, stay tuned for my new booklist as I step into living my new, spiritually-charged life journey.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
This is my favorite quote in the entire world which is a bold statement because I collect quotes by the bucketload.
Anaïs Nin’s words spoke to me deeply at the beginning of this year. Now that 2015 is coming to an end, I’ve blossomed in unexpected yet beautiful ways. But to say that this is the end of my journey to self discovery is far from the case.
In my mind, life is truly beginning because I have learned to embrace all of life and live wholeheartedly. It is as if the fearful weight I carried around kept me from really seeing the beauty in everything the world has to offer.
I love unconditionally, laugh uncontrollably and feel negative and positive emotions without hesitation. I believe life is meant to be lived with an open heart and all that comes with this state of being.
Being in touch with my true self has allowed me to see the potential of all that is possible. 2016 will be an experiment in manifesting the intuitions that 2015 unleashed. I will be sharing my experience on my blog in hopes of inspiring you to blossom.
My recent awakening has led me to return to the essence that was within me all along. Today I had a stream of consciousness in writing and God asked me, What do Buddha, Moses and Jesus (to name a few) all have in common? He answered, “I have sent them all divine consciousness in order to heal the world.”
I just finished listening to the preview of Dr. Jean Houston’s The Keys to Unlocking Your Quantum Power. Her program is very much in alignment with what I am already doing, yet it goes one step further to completely shed old ways of inhabiting and relating and thinking to step into the feeling of limitlessness—an effect I have started to experience. I was about to go to yoga class when my intuition whispered, “do not go. Slow down and relax.” And in that moment, I felt compelled to check my email, which led me to Dr. Houston’s seminar (which had fallen off my radar).
The timing was perfect (as is everything that is meant to be), so I sat down to listen to this magnificent woman talk about everything I need to learn in order to step into this next phase of my life with complete faith. Yet another intuitive whisper told me to reach out to my Reiki master, Hope, via email; this email search didn’t lead me to her email thread. Instead, it led me to answers of the deep questions I’ve been searching for.
The term Christ Consciousness has entered my mind recently, and with Christmas around the corner, Jesus has been on my mind relentlessly, forcing me to explore my feelings on this rather controversial figure. What appeared in my search was my dear friend Forest’s follow-up email after our 5-hour discussion on universal and spiritual principles (thank you, Forest). I was reminded of a teaching he shared with me on spiritual truth that cleared up any religious ambiguity in my mind:
The finger pointing to the moon is not the moon.
I pondered the meaning behind this principle. No one religion is the only truth, so someone pointing at their religion as “the way” cannot claim any concrete truth, because there is no one way to God (the moon). Once you open up to the possibilities of what lingers beyond your religious beliefs and explore what lies beyond what you were taught to be true, your understanding becomes one of infinite possibility. The only truth is the one that inhabits your own soul.
“There is only one absolute Truth, and all other truths emanate from it. When you find that Truth, your actions will be in alignment with it. Human action can reflect that Truth, or it can reflect illusion. Can the Truth be put into words? Yes, but the words are of course, not it. They only point to it. The Truth is inseparable from who you are. Yes, you ARE the Truth. If you look for it elsewhere, you will be deceived every time. The very Being that you are is Truth. Jesus tried to convey that when he said, “I am the way and the truth and the life.” These words uttered by Jesus are one of the most powerful and direct pointers to the Truth, if understood correctly. If misinterpreted, however, they become a great obstacle.”
“Jesus speaks of the innermost I Am, the essence of identity of every man and woman, every life-form in fact. He speaks of the life that you are. Some Christian mystics have called it the Christ within; Buddhists call it your Buddha nature; for Hindus, it is Atman, the in-dwelling God. When you are in touch with that dimension of yourself — and being in touch with it is your natural state, not some miraculous achievement — all your actions and relationships will reflect the oneness with all life that you sense deep within. This is love. Laws, commandments, rules and regulations are necessary for those who are cut off from who they are, the Truth within. They prevent the worse excesses of the ego, and often they don’t even do that.”
“Love and do what you will,” said St. Augustine. Words cannot get much closer to the truth than that.”
-Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth
What I needed to do all along was return to who I am, not who anyone else wanted me to be. I remember this feeling, the feeling of absolute, unwavering faith. The person I am when I surrender is beautiful — it’s who I am deep down, who I have always been. In this place where love dwells, I feel infinite and all is well. I breathe in Light in everything I do and exhale gratitude and love for myself, for God, for others and for the precious life we are given in each breath.
It is no coincidence that Christmas is around the corner. This holiday evokes so much passion and love inside me, and I am called back to that place where all is well in my heart. I do not have to suppress any part of me; I can simply let every bit of that love out into the vastness of the Universe (and clearly, it’s being returned to me). Now that I am so open to the world beyond my Catholic background, and I have studied Judaism and Buddhism and Hinduism, I can come to this place of knowing, the place that I couldn’t arrive at until I looked outside myself, outside my upbringing and outside my own Ego (and it’s need to be right and have one religious truth to grasp).
As I have let God and His love work it’s way through my whole being, I have felt no need to have one, solitary truth outside of the one in my own heart. No doctrine can trump what I feel in my heart; my spiritual connection is infinite and doctrine is worldly with limitations, rules and ideas of how one should inhabit the earth.
When I found the article on absolute truth, I had a revelation that revealed the truth I have searched for my entire life — that there is no one way to God. I truly am a seeker of light and wisdom and wherever I find that sense of awakening and consciousness is just fine. All I needed to understand is that the answers lie within my heart; I am on my own journey to enlightenment, via whichever path I take.
I will always go back to my Grandpa’s piece of wisdom, his truth-bomb, his quip: God cannot be so concerned about your religious affiliation as He is about your faith. Thank you, Grandpa.
I am truly inspired by the divine miracle of Christmas, a time when I feel most alive in this world. This Christmas is my homecoming; for years I wasn’t able to fully embody this miracle in my own expression. I suppressed how I felt and questioned the magic that has always lingered in my heart and is always brought to the forefront this time of year. I couldn’t help but cry on Christmas eve, two years in a row, for this very reason.
I knew this Christmas would be a pivotal step in my journey, as it arrives on the cusp of my transformation, when I awake to the truth in my heart and live the life I was always meant to live. The way Eckhart Tolle describes Christmas hit me in the center of my heart:
“The true meaning of Christmas is that the very Being that you are is the Truth. This is what Jesus meant when he said, “I am the way and the truth and the life.”
When put this way, Christmas is the miracle of who I am at the core; it is creating an awakening of my spirit. It is the birth of this new phase in my life, a phase that allows me to live with the expansiveness I feel in my heart and the potential I feel is possible with deep faith.
This year is wrapping up in the most beautiful of ways. The facade of the woman I was unraveling into the past few years has been shed and I have been lifted into a new phase—one where I can confidently say everything happened for a reason. God simply needed to bring me back to myself, by showing me the divine love in my own heart.
I cannot quite believe that 2015 is nearing an end. If Christmas was not right around the corner, you could say I would be fooled. But, if I go by my feeling, I can say without a shadow of doubt that the year is coming to a beautiful close. What started out as the hardest year of my life, has blossomed in a way that has left me in constant awe of what is possible.
Today is the new Moon, a day that now carries significant meaning in my life. The number 11 is a special gateway into magical happenings and new energy, and it’s no coincidence that it always falls around the new Moon. New Moons represent new beginnings, a fresh start each month, and paired with 11 (which also represents new beginnings) brings an extra special time to not only reflect on how far I’ve come, but where I want to go. I take the time to notice how I feel, if I am centered and prepared to step into the fresh month with loving intentions.
As I ponder how I feel in this moment, I notice my heart is starting to expand in a way it never has before. I feel all kinds of amazing energy and the vastness in this space is truly awe-inspiring. God’s love just knocks me over with such power and I’m so grateful to be in this place. Somehow, along the way, I pushed past the last few barriers I was facing, and I allowed all of this energy to rush in, ready to move me forward into the life I feel is imminent.
I didn’t know it was possible to be this happy, accepting and open to life exactly as it is. I didn’t know it was possible to love this much and to allow gratitude to permeate all aspects of my life. I don’t know what I did to deserve the best life of my life, although I do know I put in the work; I made mistakes and I learned to really love myself (and others by proxy) just as I am. I am far from perfect, but I am perfect in all the ways God has blessed me. If I can spend the rest of my life feeling this expansive and loving while spreading my light and love, then I will have truly come here for the right reasons.
I believe if you put in the work with endless determination, practice undying faith and keep your heart directed toward love, the path leads you to places unforeseen, full of wonder, beauty and light. I am still the same person when I look in the mirror, but the soul looking back at me is shining in all its splendor. The dull, lifeless person that once stood in the mirror, unrecognizable, has vanished.
The light I have gathered in my being will prevent me from ever looking at the person I see in the mirror without responding with an assured I love you. You are whole. You are beautiful. If I could have lunch with the me I was last January, this is what I would say:
It gets better. Yes, it sucks right now and your world may seem as if it has fallen apart; it may feel as though the journey forward is impossible. Do not fear the light inside of you. If you dig deep and sit patiently with every feeling in your weary heart, I promise it gets better. It gets so much better.
There is a place inside you that no one can take, that no person can fully extinguish. They may try to squander your light, but your soul knows who you are and it knows the way. This place still holds a vast expanse of potential to love. Simply, yet boldly, set your fears aside; it’s what got you in this messy predicament and it’s what will keep you from finding the escape route, too.
Choose the path to love. Make the impossible choice, the road less traveled. Tip toe if you must, but take the step. You will find if you enlist your curious heart that you have the capacity to love and live like never before.
Look back only to learn from your mistakes, not to dwell in your misery. You won’t find what you’re looking for if you can’t see the blessing in the present moment. Determine why you took each misstep on the way toward your fear-ridden, downward spiral.
God intends to teach us lessons, and if we look at our past, we will see He simply needed us to choose love. We have to choose love every single time.
Take a chance to live fully, to love wholeheartedly and to travel to the depths of your soul. Your essence is the key to who you are; not who you thought you wanted to be, or who you were trying to be or even who someone else wanted you to be. Who were you before you tried to please others by fitting your heart into a square peg? You aren’t a square; you are an infinite heart. You don’t need to try to fit in when you’re meant to fly.
Stand up. Reach out. Laugh until you cry. Dance it out. Travel to the corners of the Earth if you must. Sit with a friend who reminds you of who you truly are. Sit with yourself in quiet solitude. You will find answers in the silence. Pray, a lot. Get to know yourself, again. Discover how brave you can be if you know falling may happen, because you will learn how to rise. Explore the weightlessness that comes out of your expansive soul. Leap and see how far your heart will take you.
Then, darling, soar with the wings you will grow. Don’t look back, and don’t look forward. Find the peace in this moment. Feel the love radiating from your heart. Send gratitude for the beautiful soul that your body inhabits. And know you can be who you always wanted to be.
You are safe. You are loved.
This is what I would tell my old self. The me today is fearless, not in a way that I am certain of everything in my life, but I am certain my faith will see me through. Maybe that is why we fall in the first place, so we can learn to fly.
I am blessed to be on a journey that I feel needs to be shared; not only have I tapped into the writer and poet I am, but most importantly, my heart has reached a level of openness and consciousness that I feel elevates my writing from words on a page to messages from my God-self, an unlimited soul and whole heart.