To Love With a Whole Heart

whole-love

On my journey to repair my broken heart, I discovered that in feeling the depth of my pain, I actually feel more whole than ever before. And my whole heart is ready to love on a new plane, one that understands love as if I am love. That’s what I am when fear is stripped away. That’s why I am here.

And so coming to this place of love, for myself and for everyone in my life (including those I felt betrayed by), I find myself wanting to go to that place where love thrives. I want to escape the mundane grind of everyday life and create one that is riddled with love: friendly love, sibling love, platonic love, romantic love and unconditional love.

As a society, we are wired to search for love—to complete a part of us that we feel is lacking by plucking an elusive partner (as if we truly know what’s best for us). You decide that this stranger will somehow make your life better by filling up some space inside your heart that feels incomplete.

And so as the law of attraction states, you will also attract someone who is looking for a partner to complete them. I’m not a math whiz by any means, but I know that two halves make a whole. The problem with this is: once you remove one half, you cannot be whole. You are very simply putting yourself in a vulnerable situation in which you rely on another person to feel whole. Not only is this absolutely dangerous for your wellbeing, but it is just as treacherous for the other half of your equation. The immense pressure you’ve just set each other up for is not only unhealthy, but unsustainable too.

I have been the co-dependent girl who searched for love outside myself to feel whole. I know the very empty place it leaves you in when someone cannot live up to the absolutely impossible job you’ve signed them up for. An even worse predicament arises when your other half needs to feel whole too. You gather what you can from your already depleted reserve, but you cannot give what you do not already possess.

So after two failed relationships in a row, I decided to get wiser. My whole world simply cannot crumble if my partner doesn’t take so much of it with them. I knew if I were to succeed in love, I had to look inward. I could spend my life in denial and blame others for my heartbreak or I could get busy uncovering the void in my heart that attributed to my relationship demise.

I would choose to love myself first. I would feel the immense pain in my heart and I would use that as fuel for my self discovery. If we search for love to fill a void in our own lives, we most certainly don’t love ourselves fully and we cannot embrace (or find) the love that lingers in our own heart.

I decided to create a sense of wholeness, one that would render me independent, self sufficient and wildly in love with my life and myself. Rumi reminds me time and time again that “Your task is not to seek love but to find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

Self love or lack thereof was my biggest hurdle. I couldn’t find the place of peace in my own heart that would sustain me. I wouldn’t accept my own life circumstances and feel gratitude for what I do have. So I went to find peace outside myself and that always managed to be from relationships. Placing myself in their life always seemed better than what I was dealing with. But after living a life that didn’t feel authentic, attempting to love with less than a whole heart while lifting them up inside, and feeling lost at the end, I knew I had it all wrong. And two wrong, less than whole people don’t make a right (and never will).

Fast forward one year of being single and learning to love myself and others unconditionally. And let me tell you a secret. You do not need to be in a relationship to do this. I would actually urge you not to be in a relationship at this time. You will most certainly attract the same kind of less than whole people while in this phase of your progression. And unless you feel strongly that the universe has delivered this person to you in order to hammer the lesson into your brain further (and you might very well need another dose of reality), do not invest your time in a relationship right now.

Love yourself during this time. Look into the shadows of your soul to find why you have a less than loving perspective of yourself. Friends and family are a beautiful blessing to your during this time. They are also a reflection of the love you are radiating currently and will reflect any less than loving feelings that may arise. If we cannot love our close friends or family unconditionally, then odds are we won’t be able to love anyone else to that degree either.

Go back to the drawing board every time your inclination is to judge or show any behavior that is less than loving toward yourself or your loved ones. It is here that you can learn to reconstruct your programmed mind that keeps you safe from perceived dangers, protects your heart and tells you what is right or wrong in any case. You can only place right or wrong on your own journey based on how loving you feel in that moment. We cannot place any semblance of right or wrong on others; they’re fighting their own inner battle, so you must continue to show up with love.

Ego will fight against this loving sentiment and place fear where love should be (especially if someone is showing you less than loving intentions). Know that it isn’t personal; showing someone less than love by reacting negatively only hurts you.

When you are love, you recognize love and see no barriers to it. You can fall in love in one day. You can let your deepest, most vulnerable self be seen and touched by another. And you can give up your search for love, because you are love. And the love you are will undoubtedly attract that same love in another.

If you are whole and you are love, then your partner will be whole and will be love. Together two whole hearts will create a love that illuminates every part of your world. You will grow and be tested in unforeseen ways. You will feel like your best self where your soul continues to shine. You won’t need or require the love of another, yet you’ll be lucky enough to have it when you lose sight of the love in your own heart. They will see your resilient spirit. And they will never let you forget where you’ve been or where you’re going with an open and loving heart.

Together, the unity and vision you create will set you on a journey where you alone may not reach. You will give the ultimate gift of unconditional love and finally surrender to receive this gift in return. You will never take for granted the way this one makes you feel. And it will be your pleasure to remind them every day of the pristine heart they truly are.

My Word of the Year

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I chose gratitude as my word of 2015. I constantly worked to create and cultivate this feeling in my everyday life through my gratitude jar. Gratitude filled my heart with acceptance, presence, awareness and ultimately love: love for what is, what has been and what could be.

I find myself choosing a new word for 2016.

Due to my year of gratitude, I am radiating happiness from within so brightly that I can’t help myself. I can’t help but shine that energy outward.

And so I am led quite effortlessly to my word for 2016: sprout.

Sprout where I have planted my gracious heart and allow that love to grow like weeds and spread like wildfire wherever I go.

Sprout with my roots of understanding and awareness of my limitless soul and potential for spreading light.

Sprout with the knowledge I acquired from relentlessly watering my hungry heart last year.

Sprout with intention to discover the potential of my purpose as a light seeker, love dweller and infinite soul.

Sprout with the faith to trust another human with my heart and gently hold theirs in my palm.

Sprout with the dream I have placed on my heart and harness the power to create it step by step.

Sprout with the lessons I hold emblazoned on my heart as a reminder to live boldly and bravely always.

Sprout with the kindness and compassion that one gathers only by living with an open heart.

How will you grow in 2016? 

Ditch the resolutions and simply choose to sprout where you are planted. Know in your heart that you are perfect in this moment.

Always water your heart with more love than you think is needed. Only then will you have an overflow of joy to affect those around you.

Here are my tips for taking the love in your heart and spreading seeds of intention wherever you go:

Choose a random act of kindness that pervades the current state of our world with hope. Acts can involve money but favors and deeds will impact someone on a deeper level.

Befriend someone you know could use some uplifting and encouragement.

Hug longer and harder than you usually do and don’t be the one to let go first.

Pause in moments when you want to react adversely and choose to be your higher self.

Smile at strangers. You won’t know how much they need your light until you see it reflected in their reaction.

And if your 2016 is beginning in a dark place, choose to spread your kindness inward and love yourself through whatever battle you are facing.

You are love. You are enough. And you too can sprout after you put down loving roots in your heart.

The Basin of Love

Helen Keller quote

In the beautiful heart space I occupy daily, my subconscious floats to uncharted waters to feel the depth of love in my heart. I drifted off to an alternate universal love last night that allowed my heart to soar and expand in new ways. I found myself escaping a less than ideal situation through a small opening in a gate where I took off on an adventure with a lover. As we held hands and ran from our past situation (heartbreak represented here), we embarked on a journey together where neither knew the destination.

We discovered a small, lush green valley along our route that held a pristine basin of water in its lowest point. We were left rather tattered and dirty from the trip (as most relationships do on the uprise), so we took a dip in the water, hands still entwined. We she’d our clothes to wash them in the water; as he undressed his musculature revealed and the suppleness of his skin glistened in the reflection of the basin. He moved toward me and placed his hands on my face. He felt the line of my jaw, the peaks of my cheekbones and the curve of my lips. His large hands cupped my face and he felt the shape of my head. We sat in silence as he felt the exchange of energy this encounter brought. I was so entranced by his soul that I never realized he was blind. His hands moved down to my chest as he felt the quickening palpitations of my heart. He noticed the size of my heart grow with every excited beat. 

As more time passed, the communication between our hearts filled the silent air. When he finally spoke, it was the first time I heard words from his lips. I had felt his heart speak but now it was audible. He told me, “I wanted to feel the beauty of your face through your structure. I wanted to feel the softness of your lips before they touch mine. I wanted to feel your heart beat before it became one with mine. And I wanted you to feel seen even without sight. I choose to recognize the way you feel not the way you look. I choose to feel the way you light up my soul simply because you are light. And I choose to linger in the spaces of your heart, the ones I fall into between each beat.”

In that moment, I had never felt more seen by a soul before. And although I have the gift of sight, I didn’t need it to feel the expanse of his soul. His soul told me everything I needed to know through the transfer of energy. If I am energy and he is energy, then there is no sight involved aside from the one our heart uses by feeling. 

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched–they must be felt with the heart.

—Helen Keller 

He moved in closer to me, hands still on my heart. I moved my hand to his heart and could have cupped it in my hand for it was beating outside of his chest. I laid my head in place of my hand and listened to the sound of his heart beat, one profound thump after another. I could have stayed there for an eternity listening to the song in his heart, for it told me far more than the words in his mind could. That song told me everything I ever needed to know. 

I looked up into his eyes and although his gaze couldn’t meet mine, he felt the beaming in them. His eyes were kind and innocent without the harsh pictures we have implanted in our minds. They were green with specks of hazel strewn about. He closed his eyes as I kissed each eye lid tenderly. I moved my lips toward his, my heated breath feeling it’s way down his face. An electric shock made its way down my body as our lips embraced in a kiss.

His hands once again cupped my face as he passionately kissed my lips as if he were kissing my soul. Every ounce of energy rose in delight as our kiss lit up our bodies. There was penetration on a soul level where sex was not necessary. I moved my body closer to his as my arms wrapped tightly around his neck. Eyes closed and lips touching, I moved my hands around his skull and felt the ways in which he had blindly felt mine. 

I couldn’t have felt the depth of his love if I weren’t already a being of love. I couldn’t have appreciated the ways he could see me if I wasn’t already a being of love. And I couldn’t have allowed my heart to be felt, if i wasn’t already a being of love. 

When we are love, we recognize love and see no barriers to it. We can fall in love in one day. We can let our deepest, most vulnerable selves be seen and touched by another. And we can give up our search for love because we are love. And the love we are will undoubtedly attract that same love in another.

I promise you that sight will be secondary, because all you will care about is how your soul feels when you are with them. All you will know is how your heart leaps and skips a beat in their presence. And the messy road that got you here will fade into the dust of your half-lived life. Your heart will glide off into the sunset, no longer worried about the destination, but entranced only by the journey.

And the Time Came

rose

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

—Anaïs Nin

This is my favorite quote in the entire world which is a bold statement because I collect quotes by the bucketload.

Anaïs Nin’s words spoke to me deeply at the beginning of this year. Now that 2015 is coming to an end, I’ve blossomed in unexpected yet beautiful ways. But to say that this is the end of my journey to self discovery is far from the case.

In my mind, life is truly beginning because I have learned to embrace all of life and live wholeheartedly. It is as if the fearful weight I carried around kept me from really seeing the beauty in everything the world has to offer.

I love unconditionally, laugh uncontrollably and feel negative and positive emotions without hesitation. I believe life is meant to be lived with an open heart and all that comes with this state of being.

Being in touch with my true self has allowed me to see the potential of all that is possible. 2016 will be an experiment in manifesting the intuitions that 2015 unleashed. I will be sharing my experience on my blog in hopes of inspiring you to blossom.

A New Kind of Love

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I cannot quite believe that 2015 is nearing an end. If Christmas was not right around the corner, you could say I would be fooled. But, if I go by my feeling, I can say without a shadow of doubt that the year is coming to a beautiful close. What started out as the hardest year of my life, has blossomed in a way that has left me in constant awe of what is possible.

Today is the new Moon, a day that now carries significant meaning in my life. The number 11 is a special gateway into magical happenings and new energy, and it’s no coincidence that it always falls around the new Moon. New Moons represent new beginnings, a fresh start each month, and paired with 11 (which also represents new beginnings) brings an extra special time to not only reflect on how far I’ve come, but where I want to go. I take the time to notice how I feel, if I am centered and prepared to step into the fresh month with loving intentions.

As I ponder how I feel in this moment, I notice my heart is starting to expand in a way it never has before. I feel all kinds of amazing energy and the vastness in this space is truly awe-inspiring. God’s love just knocks me over with such power and I’m so grateful to be in this place. Somehow, along the way, I pushed past the last few barriers I was facing, and I allowed all of this energy to rush in, ready to move me forward into the life I feel is imminent.

I didn’t know it was possible to be this happy, accepting and open to life exactly as it is. I didn’t know it was possible to love this much and to allow gratitude to permeate all aspects of my life. I don’t know what I did to deserve the best life of my life, although I do know I put in the work; I made mistakes and I learned to really love myself (and others by proxy) just as I am. I am far from perfect, but I am perfect in all the ways God has blessed me. If I can spend the rest of my life feeling this expansive and loving while spreading my light and love, then I will have truly come here for the right reasons.

I believe if you put in the work with endless determination, practice undying faith and keep your heart directed toward love, the path leads you to places unforeseen, full of wonder, beauty and light. I am still the same person when I look in the mirror, but the soul looking back at me is shining in all its splendor. The dull, lifeless person that once stood in the mirror, unrecognizable, has vanished.

The light I have gathered in my being will prevent me from ever looking at the person I see in the mirror without responding with an assured I love you. You are whole. You are beautiful. If I could have lunch with the me I was last January, this is what I would say:

It gets better. Yes, it sucks right now and your world may seem as if it has fallen apart; it may feel as though the journey forward is impossible. Do not fear the light inside of you. If you dig deep and sit patiently with every feeling in your weary heart, I promise it gets better. It gets so much better.

There is a place inside you that no one can take, that no person can fully extinguish. They may try to squander your light, but your soul knows who you are and it knows the way. This place still holds a vast expanse of potential to love. Simply, yet boldly, set your fears aside; it’s what got you in this messy predicament and it’s what will keep you from finding the escape route, too.

Choose the path to love. Make the impossible choice, the road less traveled. Tip toe if you must, but take the step. You will find if you enlist your curious heart that you have the capacity to love and live like never before.

Look back only to learn from your mistakes, not to dwell in your misery. You won’t find what you’re looking for if you can’t see the blessing in the present moment. Determine why you took each misstep on the way toward your fear-ridden, downward spiral.

God intends to teach us lessons, and if we look at our past, we will see He simply needed us to choose love. We have to choose love every single time.

Take a chance to live fully, to love wholeheartedly and to travel to the depths of your soul. Your essence is the key to who you are; not who you thought you wanted to be, or who you were trying to be or even who someone else wanted you to be. Who were you before you tried to please others by fitting your heart into a square peg? You aren’t a square; you are an infinite heart. You don’t need to try to fit in when you’re meant to fly.

Stand up. Reach out. Laugh until you cry. Dance it out. Travel to the corners of the Earth if you must. Sit with a friend who reminds you of who you truly are. Sit with yourself in quiet solitude. You will find answers in the silence. Pray, a lot. Get to know yourself, again. Discover how brave you can be if you know falling may happen, because you will learn how to rise. Explore the weightlessness that comes out of your expansive soul. Leap and see how far your heart will take you.

Then, darling, soar with the wings you will grow. Don’t look back, and don’t look forward. Find the peace in this moment. Feel the love radiating from your heart. Send gratitude for the beautiful soul that your body inhabits. And know you can be who you always wanted to be.

You are safe. You are loved.

This is what I would tell my old self. The me today is fearless, not in a way that I am certain of everything in my life, but I am certain my faith will see me through. Maybe that is why we fall in the first place, so we can learn to fly.

Adam Phillips on Love

All love stories are frustration stories… To fall in love is to be reminded of a frustration that you didn’t know you had (of one’s formative frustrations, and of one’s attempted self-cures for them); you wanted someone, you felt deprived of something, and then it seems to be there. And what is renewed in that experience is an intensity of frustration, and an intensity of satisfaction. It is as if, oddly, you were waiting for someone but you didn’t know who they were until they arrived. Whether or not you were aware that there was something missing in your life, you will be when you meet the person you want. What psychoanalysis will add to this love story is that the person you fall in love with really is the man or woman of your dreams; that you have dreamed them up before you met them; not out of nothing — nothing comes of nothing — but out of prior experience, both real and wished for. You recognize them with such certainty because you already, in a certain sense, know them; and because you have quite literally been expecting them, you feel as though you have known them for ever, and yet, at the same time, they are quite foreign to you. They are familiar foreign bodies.

—Adam Phillips

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